Life Without Ed: Day 17

I'm right back on track today. Cheerios for breakfast, sundried tomato and hummus wrap for lunch, sauerkraut mushroom and white bean pasta for dinner, and an apple with peanut butter for snack. I'm out of luna bars, so I had one less snack than I usually eat.

I taught a small yoga class tonight. I sweat more teaching yoga than I do spending 30 minutes on the elliptical. I love teaching yoga. It makes me feel whole. It also gives me a huge adrenaline rush. I feel filled with gratitude. I wish I could make a living teaching yoga. I'm skipping the elliptical tonight because I'm exhausted from yoga!

Interview tomorrow, but I don't have high hopes for this position. It's a high school special ed position, which I feel completely unqualified for. We'll see!

Life Without Ed: Day 16

This is going to be short and sweet.

Had a sort of cheat day. I ate a bit of Chinese food and 4 peanut chews. The peanut chews are significant. I wanted chocolate after a tease tasting during a cooking class I took with my mom. I stopped at a QuickChek on my way home and stared at the $3.99 bag of dark chocolate almond bark. I knew I would eat the whole bag, so I thought a better choice would be the peanut chews. The thing is . . .the peanut chews only came in a king size bar. I bought the bar and compared the calories to my usual nighttime snack of peanut butter and apple. Turns out a single serving was comparable to the peanut butter. Could I eat only a single serving of peanut chews? I could. And I did. And then I came home and worked it off on the elliptical machine. So I call today a success, peanut chews and all.

Life Without Ed: Day 15

Tonight I made the most delicious coconut cauliflower and chickpea curry. I love the sweet and savory smell of curry. It was super simple to make too. A cup of veggie broth, a can of light coconut milk, two tablespoons of curry powder, cauliflower, chickpeas, tomatoes, onions, carrots, and peas. That's it! Yum. It's still a little too hot to enjoy so I thought I'd blog while it's cooling down.

So onto the great Diet Coke debate. This is a hot topic for many. Should one consume diet soda? I hadn't had a diet coke in two weeks, then yesterday, I had to kill some time so I stopped for a drink. I debated whether I should drink Diet Coke or not. I didn't want it to become a habit. But I felt like one in two weeks wouldn't kill me. I also didn't want the Diet Coke to snowball into something more serious . . .like French fries. I ended up drinking the soda and nothing happened. I did have a small craving for another today, but didn't give in to it.

I got on the elliptical last night and it felt pretty good. I did 30 minutes. Looking forward to a vegan cooking class with Mom tomorrow! I'll get to have a bite of something chocolatey. Yessss.

Life Without Ed: Day 14

Last week I weighed 265.2. This week I weigh 264.2. That's a 1 pound weight loss for this week and a 7.6 pound weight loss over all. This disappoints me and makes me want to reduce what I'm eating. That's the eating disorder talking. In reality, I know I'm eating a healthy amount of food. I calculated the calories today and I'm probably eating around 1500-1800 calories a day. I'm not starving or fasting or suffering. I don't feel hungry. I feel satisfied. So I know logically, my weight loss will not be as drastic as it was the first time around. And this is also without adding any exercise to my regime.

This will be a slow and steady weight loss, not a plummet. I went to therapy today and we talked a lot about weight loss. She suggested I celebrate any loss - whether it's 6 pounds or .6 pounds. A loss is a loss. She also suggested that I use alternative methods of judging success, such as pictures or measurements. I think I'll do a monthly picture. I'm also starting back on the elliptical machine tonight.

Onward.

Life Without Ed: Day 13

Rationally, I know the scale will go down. I know I'm not binging. I know I'm eating healthy, portion-controlled meals. But at the same time, I'm terrified that the scale will be the same - or such a negligible loss that I will want to give up. But let's save all that for tomorrow.

I left my computer and cell phone at the yoga studio after teaching a class tonight. I feel so naked without my phone. The computer isn't such a big deal . . .but the phone! All my texts, my emails, my phone calls! I thought about going back to get it, but I'm going to try an experiment and see how I handle the night without it. It might actually be freeing.

I had that delicious leftover burger for dinner tonight. I'm finished with Vegan Meals for One or Two. The meals are really geared toward college kids or single folks who don't do much cooking. I need more exotic flavor in my life! So starting tomorrow . . .or the next day . . .depending on when I can myself to the grocery store, I'm doing recipes from Quick Fix Vegan.

Life Without Ed: Day 12

I inhaled the cheeseburger. A treat. Veggie burger topped with the best soy cheese I've ever tasted, two slices of onion and a thick slice of red, juicy tomato. There were two on the plate. I wanted them both. But from some deep, powerful place inside - I wrapped up the second burger and put it away in the fridge. And as much as I felt power, I equally felt desire.

This experience has been a practice in observation. I haven’t binged in almost two weeks. I feel hunger. I feel craving. I feel moderation. I feel preparation. I feel anticipation.

Chuck and I watched a double feature tonight. Inside Out followed by The Visit. I thought "Inside Out" was fantastic, and totally hit me someplace deep inside. "The Visit" was a horrible movie, but totally creepy and therefore, well worth the gaping plot holes.

Two more days until second weigh-in!

Life Without Ed: Day 11

Well, I did end up eating about 5 chocolate chips last night. But it was actually a good thing. All day I was craving a chocolate chip cookie and instead of listening to the craving, I tried to fight it with different types of healthy snacks. I still felt hungry and the craving wouldn't go away. As soon as I ate the chocolate chips, I felt satisfied. I didn't need anything else. And I really had a minimal amount. It's the beginning of "listening to the body." And eating in moderation.

I cut into the papaya, not knowing what to expect. The knife easily sliced through the skin and the center of the fruit, making seed-filled rings of orange.

I was excited about the potential of this dinner. It was a pasta dish with exotic fruit, cinnamon, and some other spices. The result was a total letdown. I took one bite and threw the rest of the bowl in the garbage. I blame the gluten-free pasta. It was all I had in the house. Ugh, the texture was like biting into Styrofoam.

So instead of sulking about my lost dinner, I made my favorite wrap: sundried tomatoes, garlic hummus, and alfalfa sprouts in a whole wheat wrap. Absolutely delicious and satisfying after a day of not-so-great meals.

Life Without Ed: Day 10

I'm starving. I also haven't taken a nap today. I think there's a connection between the two.

I haven't felt the pangs of hunger for 9 days. But today, for some reason, I'm craving a big chocolate chip cookie. I'm desperate for a cookie. I ate an extra snack today of carrots and hummus. And I'm in the process of making chickpea popcorn. So I haven't jumped completely off the cliff . . .but I'm gazing longingly over the edge.

And I just remembered the chocolate chips I stored in the pantry. But I'm not going to eat them.

Life Without Ed: Day 9

Happy Snow Day, everyone! I'm actually less prepared than I thought I was. I only have one sandwich round left and just barely enough soy milk for a bowl of cereal. That'll get me through Sunday, but then I'll have to get my car out of the driveway and down to the grocery store. Unless I can sucker Chuck into grabbing a couple of items for me while he's at work, then I can leave my car until at least Thursday. It might even do me good to start my day with a walk to work in the brisk cold.

I had a very simple eating day, peppered with naps. Cereal in the morning with half a banana, a cucumber sandwich for lunch, and leftover filling from the stuffed peppers I made a few days ago for dinner. I'll eat my apple soon, hopefully while watching a movie with Chuck. Although, he's sick as a dog and hacking up God knows what.

Life Without Ed: Day 8

Today I ate a delicious lunch of a cucumber and sprout sandwich with a little vegan cream cheese spread on the bun. I'm using those half-bun sandwich rounds as bread.

I love sprouts! I'm using alfalfa sprouts on my sandwiches and let me tell you . . .they add crunch and texture to an otherwise semi-boring meal. The taste is mild, so I recommend giving them a shot. They're also great fillers for wraps.

In other news, I completed my first week as a paraprofessional for my new school district. Sometimes the work is boring, sometimes it's engaging. It makes me want my own classroom desperately. And it reminds me that I don't want to be a resource teacher.

I ate an early dinner of potatoes, mushrooms, and kale. I'm worried that I won't last until 10pm for Chuck to come home before I indulge in my snack of apples and peanut butter. I try to eat my snack while he eats dinner so I'm not jealous of his meal and tempted to eat another one. Before this new lifestyle, I would eat fast food for lunch, some kind of meal on my way home from work, and another meal for dinner when Chuck got home. Then it would be a snack free-for-all the rest of the night. I have no idea how many calories I was consuming - then or now. It might be interesting to try to figure that out.

Life Without Ed: Day 7

Today is weigh-in day! So I now weigh 265.2, which is a 6.6 pound weight loss from 271.8. I need to stay off the scale except on weigh-in days. I know that the scale will vary from day to day and to visually see the number going up and down will drive me nuts.

I love watching My 600 Pound Life. I identify with the characters. My body looks like their bodies. My mind works like their minds. I never seriously thought about weight-loss surgery. I know from experience that I can lose it on my own. But I've never lost it without being extreme. I lost most of the weight last time from fasting and eating raw, vegan foods. This time, I'm eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at least one snack. I know the scale is coming down THIS week, but it's hard to believe it will continue to go down. Let's wait and see on Day 14.

Life Without Ed: Day 6

Eating the same meals for dinner every night isn't going to cut it with Chuck in the house, and I hate dragging my computer to the kitchen to cook, so I've given up on both the 21-day fix menu and the 21-day vegan menu I was following. I want to be able to do this using real recipes that I use in my everyday life, because I want this to be a lifestyle and not a diet. So now, I'm using simple recipes from one of my vegan cookbooks: Vegan Meals for One or Two. Tonight I'm making stuffed peppers with soy crumbles, walnuts, and cranberries. Yum! I think the most important part of this lifestyle change is cutting out the binge snacking in between meals. And so far, I've been able to do that.

Every morning, I vow to myself that tomorrow will be the day I wake up refreshed with plenty of time to eat a relaxed breakfast, meditate, and feel ready to meet the day. But it always ends up being tomorrow. This morning, like every morning, I grumpily rolled out of bed with 15 minutes to shower, feed the dog, and get out the door. My energy level is very low. Even after walking the dog, I don't feel energized. I want to crawl back under the covers and stay there. Part of my goal in losing this weight is to feel the way I felt during the fast - to feel alive again.

Life Without Ed: Day 5

I started a part time job working as an aide in my hometown school district. I rushed out the door thinking I'd have time to eat my luna bar for breakfast, but my commute is literally less than a minute. I could walk - you know, if it wasn't 9 degrees out. So that means I didn't eat anything until about 1:00pm. At this point, I had a mini-binge. I ate my breakfast, lunch, and snack in one sitting. All things I would have eaten throughout the day, but I felt the need to stuff them all down my throat at the same time.

Despite my sarcasm, I actually don't feel bad about the mini-binge. I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have, and I really did feel famished. Tomorrow, I'll give myself time to relax in the morning and eat a proper breakfast. (Mm hmm . . .)

For dinner I had a tofu scramble and I ate a late snack of apples and peanut butter. I realized I have virtually no fat in my diet, so I thought a little peanut butter wouldn't kill me. And it's something to look forward to after dinner. It also adds more fruit into my life - aside from the half a banana that I eat with my cereal.

2 days to weigh-in.

Life Without Ed: Day 4

Late at night I start to feel famished and drool over the half eaten bag of chips I bought the day before I started this journey. But other than that, I don't feel the pull of cravings, don't feel the gurgling of hunger. I feel pretty good. Maybe that's the sleep talking.

I pulled myself off the couch this afternoon to clean the house and walk the dog. I also took pictures of the way I have been eating versus the way I'm eating now. It's embarrassing, but real.

I was eating French fries for lunch on a daily basis. Here is the evidence, still piled up in my car to prove it:

But now, this is what my food looks like:

This is the first time I don't know what's for dinner, but I have a feeling it's going to involve the smoked tofu I picked up from Wegman's a few days ago.

Life Without Ed: Day 3

When I realized I had inadvertently left the house 15 minutes early, I promptly looked for a place to park, pulled over, and took a ten minute nap. Without food to use as an escape, sleep has stepped in as a replacement. I haven't been cranky or (too) hungry over the last few days because mostly, I've been sleeping.

I'm thinking about giving myself the gift of Diet Dr. Pepper as a caffeine boost and a calorie-free snack. But something in me knows how bad diet soda is for you and I don't want anything to mess me up. So I haven't gone there yet. I've got to figure out more natural ways to bring energy into my life.

I had my luna bar, cereal, a sun dried tomato wrap for lunch, and for dinner I'm making a taco salad with blue corn tortilla chips, lettuce, salsa, and black bean chili.

Life Without Ed: Day 2

I had the same lunch as yesterday, with the basil leaves this time! Delicious.

For dinner, I had a hummus and sundried tomato wrap with sprouts. I also had a cup of leftover stew from yesterday.

I'm eating cereal with a banana everyday for breakfast, and a luna bar for snack.

It's late and I'm hungry, so that's all for today.

Life Without Ed: Day 1

I should have prepped last night by going grocery shopping, but I decided to put it off until this morning. So of course, that meant I didn't go grocery shopping until lunchtime. I had just finished a demo lesson (for a job I didn't get) and I was coming down from an adrenaline high. The last thing I wanted to do was shop, but actually, walking up and down the aisles became kind of soothing.

I am not on a diet. I'm just finding healthy meals to prepare at home. That's it. And of course, totally vegan!

Because I foolishly skipped breakfast, I popped a luna bar as a quick snack before grocery shopping. For lunch I made a balsamic zucchini sandwich and a bowl of tomato lentil soup. I'm just now realizing that I forgot the fresh basil on my sandwich! Bummer. But I'm having it again tomorrow, so I'll be sure to remember then.

Chuck doesn't arrive home from work until late and by 7pm I was starving. So I ate the bowl of cereal I was supposed to eat for breakfast while I started cooking dinner - Moroccan Bean Stew with Sweet Potatoes. "Ate" is kind of misleading. "Wolfed down" is more like it. I stood over the bubbling bowl of stew fisting overflowing spoonfulls of cheerios into my mouth. I need to slow down.

All of my meals are coming from here in case anything sounds delicious and you want the recipe.

Day 1 complete, no relapses, no desperate cravings. But I'm sure the best is yet to come. ;)

Lunch:

Life Without Ed: Introduction

:::sigh:::

So here we go.

One cold afternoon in November of 2014, I was on a long break in the middle of a stressful day at work in Newark. I was a teacher. And I hated my life. I hated the job. Hated the school. Hated the kids. I put on my winter coat and curled up on the floor of the bathroom in my classroom and went to sleep. I knew in that moment that I would never return to Newark. It was heartbreaking. I felt like I was disappointing so many people. And I was disappointed in myself.

The year that followed has been equally as stressful. I had dreams of changing careers and suddenly finding this missing piece of my life. I imagined finding the elusive thing that could fill the void I felt. I continued to escape by sleeping. And eating. I lost and gained 100 pounds over the course of two years. Aside from my weight, nothing changed. I still felt empty. I still felt lost.

I've been soul-searching and self-helping for a lifetime. But recently, I read a book called Life Without Ed that has changed my perspective on what's been going on with me. I have an eating disorder. I compulsively overeat. When I feel too much of anything - sadness, anxiety, depression, joy, love . . .I eat. I eat to numb the negative emotions it hurts to feel and the positive emotions I believe I don't deserve to feel.

I'm coming to realize that the eating disorder is the thing that has been holding me captive. It makes me feel unworthy. Makes me feel like less than I am. I am a teacher. But the eating disorder told me I couldn't be good enough to be a teacher. I am a musician. But the eating disorder tells me I have no talent. I am a member of several different communities - a yoga community, a church community, a work community - but the eating disorder says my body renders me unworthy of being present to relationships.

I've wasted a lifetime listening to the eating disorder. Not teaching, not pushing myself to try new things, not making friendships, not being interactive in the world. And now, at 271.8 pounds - 11.8 pounds heavier than I was the day I decided to fast for 60 days, it's time to stop listening to that parasite that's been living inside of me since I started gaining weight at 6 years old.

It's time to start living.

271.8 pounds: