Meditation: Day 4

I officially blew my second chance at being an ETS SAT rater. Moving on . . .

My hands were cold, so I sat on them on the couch with a blanket over my lap. I closed my eyes and let the meditation begin. My mind wandered a lot . . .What if I don't remember someone's name in class tonight? What's for dinner? Should I take a different full-time job to make money for the rest of the school year or stick it out where I am? Lots of unknowns and what-ifs. I realized I was clenching my jaw. I released it and turned my attention inward. I noticed an anxious sensation in my stomach. The sensation that I should be doing something else. I should be moving. I should be accomplishing something. But I continued to breathe.

I'm realizing that the later it gets, the more likely I am to snack on junk. So my promise to myself is that I am allowed to eat however much fruit I want after 8pm - but nothing else. I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Meditation: Day 3

After church this morning, I was feeling hungry. I could turn right, and go home. Or I could turn left, and get some French fries. This time, the French fries won. 500 calories spent on hot, salty, fried potatoes. I don't regret it. I modified what I ate the rest of the day so I still stayed within 1400-1600 calories.

After taking the dog on a beautiful walk in this warm, spring weather, I took an afternoon nap. I felt so comfy on the couch that when it was time to get up and go to yoga, everything in me said . . .more sleep! But I forced myself up and made it to the yoga studio. And thank goodness I did. Jesse had a great class with moon salutes, which I really enjoyed. I sweat a lot and felt like I worked my body.

I used savasana as my meditation time. I felt a hollowness in my stomach. It felt like vulnerability.

Meditation: Day 2

I spent 6 hours reading SAT essays, only to ultimately fail my certification test. (Don't worry, I get a second chance.) But by the time I was done, I realized I had a list of things to do and not a lot of time to do them. Chuck had arrived home, so I decided to meditate in the shower.

I sat down on floor of the tub, hot water streaming down my face. I had to rearrange a few times before finding a good meditation posture. Ultimately I sat with the sole of one foot on the surface of the tub and the other extended long. Hands in my lap. The water was distracting. My foot slipping against the floor was distracting. All the thoughts running through my head were distracting. But finally I settled in.

I felt an aching sensation in my ribcage. It felt like wanting. I want to have passed the certification test. I want to have found a full-time teaching gig. But I also felt a sense of peace. This time was mine. 10 minutes when nothing else mattered. I guess that's living. Being present to what is happening and finding the peace in it.

Meditation: Day 1

I sat cross-legged on the couch, backs of the palms resting on the thighs. I set the alarm for 10 minutes and closed my eyes. I found myself naturally turning to my Ujjayi Breath. It gave me something to track. Something to pay attention to. Something to come back to when my mind wandered.

I heard the patter of dog's feet on wooden floors. I felt the cold air on the back of the neck. I felt the pull of cotton against skin. But the sensation that I felt more than any other was a pervasive sense of fear. I realized I have a fear of being alive. Watching TV is not living. Snacking on food is not living. Sleeping is not living. And I turn to these activities to fill my life because when I'm faced with the reality of actually being alive, I feel fear.

I wanted to open my eyes several times within the 10 minute time span to see how many minutes I had remaining. I left them closed. I jumped when the timer finally went off.

Run for Freedom: Day 21

My weight tonight is 258.6. That's about another .5 pounds lost this week and 13.2 pounds lost overall. I'm used to dramatic weight loss. I do things like run 5-10 miles a day, or drink nothing but juice. And the weight comes off in whole pounds at a time. This is slow, but steady. And as my therapist keeps telling me - half a pound a week is normal.

So goals for the next week . . .

1. Run a lap up and down the street before getting on the elliptical.
2. 40 minutes on the elliptical, to be broken into two 20 minute segments if desired.
3. 10 minutes of meditation, to be done at any time.
4. Refocus on food intake.

I am planning to meditate for the next 21 days and see how that changes my perspective.

Run for Freedom: Day 20

It's 7:21pm and I've consumed about 1500 calories. I'm going to watch Survivor and get on the elliptical at 8pm. And then I plan to eat another snack of graham crackers . . .or an apple with peanut butter. I haven't decided yet.

Tomorrow is the last day in this 21 day series. I feel like I'm losing focus a little and I'm hoping that the next series will get me back on track. I took yesterday off from the elliptical. I think the one thing I have to do is always get on - even if for only 15 minutes.

Tomorrow is the weigh in. I'm dreading this one. I have a feeling I'm not going to like what I see. But anything could happen. If the scale doesn't change, I'll know I can trust my body because I'll know I can tell when I'm getting off track. If the scale goes down, I'll know I can trust my body because I'll know the signals of hunger I was getting were real. So no matter what, tomorrow will confirm that: yes, I can trust my body.

Run for Freedom: Day 19

Binging a bit tonight. Consciously. It's cold. And there's something incredibly comforting about curling up on the couch under a blanket with something to eat. I've eaten some soy mac and cheese and I'm going to get some graham crackers in a bit.

I'm currently reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth. Her other book, Women, Food, and God is life-altering.

It's all about mindfulness. Feeling when you're hungry, feeling when you're full. Understanding why you want to eat - and then eating with your full attention if that's what you decide to do.

Run for Freedom: Day 18

In some ways, I know my body. I know I can push it to run for miles, hike for days, elliptical for hours. I know that it feels better to use blocks in a downward dog. I know eagle arms are not currently within the realm of possibility. Physically, I know my body. So why can't I trust it to know when it's hungry and when it's had enough? I'm terrified that the extra serving of vegan stuffed shells I ate last night will come back to haunt me on Thursday when I weigh in. I'm terrified that one too many Triscuits will cause the scale to go up.

I will tell the truth. Before starting the 21 day project, I was eating almost an entire bag of Spicy Chili Doritos a day. I would have a 6-inch veggie sub or two pretzels and peanut chews on my way home from work. And at some point it was very likely that I would order one, if not two, large fries from Burger King or Wendy's. And then when Chuck would get home I would eat again. And most likely, I would continue to snack late into the evening. My exercise consisted of begrudgingly walking the dog around the block.

I haven't eaten a French fry in over a month. Or a sub. Or a soft pretzel. I'm conscious of what I'm eating when I'm eating it. And also aware of how that fits into the overall intake for the day. But I'm afraid my tendency to be a food-Nazi is counterproductive. I'm setting myself up for a binge by being so stingy. And possibly screwing with my metabolism.

Awareness is the answer. Mindfulness. That's why this upcoming meditation practice is so important. I have to start trusting what I feel.

Run for Freedom: Day 17

Triscuits. I left the church, stomach grumbling, knowing exactly what I wanted. Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits. I entered Target on a mission. I made a beeline for the cracker aisle. And there they were. I was terrified to make the purchase. I had an overwhelming desire to eat the Triscuits and I was not going to deny myself the pleasure. But I was terrified I would eat with abandon. Would I eat the entire box?

I did not eat the entire box. I ate a single serving. (Now, I am not perfect . . .and I did munch on some while I was making dinner as well.) But I did not eat the entire box. I'm considering keeping a journal of everything I'm eating. I wonder if I'm eating more than I think I am. Do I need to weigh and measure everything? I feel like I should be losing more weight. It's funny that I just wrote that sentence, because last night I literally wrote a yoga class in which I encourage students to let go of what they think they should look like, and just let their bodies guide them. So let my body guide me. I was hungry, I knew what I wanted, and I ate them. And then I was not hungry anymore.

Today I ate:
2 vegan turkey and cheese roll ups
12 Triscuits
1 vegan stuffed shell
1 bowl of apple-walnut-quinoa salad
(And still to come: 2 graham crackers with cookie butter)

Look at that Maryellen. It's not too much. It can't be. It's not too much.

Run for Freedom: Day 16

It was a beautiful, warm, reminiscent-of-spring day. I spent a lot of time driving today, which I love to do in warm weather. When I finally arrived home, I debated whether or not to put my running shoes on. Ultimately, I didn't do it. There's something about running on the street that scares me. After the rough start I had a couple of weeks ago, it seems like an impossible task to run the way I used to. I'm terrified of not being able to do it. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen. I did it. I already proved I could do it. The same happens before I get on the elliptical machine. I believe I can't go a full hour. But I succeed every time.

This fear of failure is deeper than running or getting on the elliptical. It follows me everywhere. Can I really teach? Should I bother applying for this job? Can I really lose weight? I'm defeated before I even begin. I'm looking forward to my meditation experiment - which starts in about a week. I'm hoping that it centers me and helps me let some of this baggage go. More book suggestions are welcome! Life-changing books, anyone?

Run for Freedom: Day 15

I engaged in a small binge last night. I ate the soy mac and cheese, some graham crackers with cookie butter, and some chips and salsa. It doesn't sound like a lot - but the soy mac and cheese is 500 calories alone. It happened because of the disappointment I felt with only losing .6 pounds . . .and I think, not spacing out my food enough. I need to leave enough to eat at night when I'm most likely to binge. It's 10pm now, I'll be on the elliptical for an hour, and then I'll want to sit down and relax with something to eat. Luckily I have an apple left to eat tonight.

I'm happy to announce that my yoga workshop proposal was accepted. I'll be doing a Bhakti series based on The Little Prince. We'll start class in restorative postures and center by listening to a few chapters of the book, followed by a short asana practice based on what we read, and close with a kirtan chant that's linked to a lesson from the story. I'm really excited about it.

Another week is off and rolling. I'm debating whether to put my running shoes on this weekend. It IS supposed to be nice. Maybe just a short run up and down the street, followed by the elliptical.

Run for Freedom: Day 14

I stepped onto the machine, feeling the cold rubber underneath my feet and in my hands. I closed my eyes and started to move, hearing the voice of Alanis in my ears. I increased my resistance to 2 and completed my hour. It never feels great. Will it ever feel great?

I'm disappointed with my weight loss this week. Only a little over half a pound. I have to keep repeating to myself . . .celebrate every loss . . .celebrate every loss . . .

I've lost a total of 12.6 pounds now. I want it to go faster. And I'm hungry and cranky this evening. I'm splurging on soy mac and cheese.

Run for Freedom: Day 13

Today, I almost fell to my arch nemesis - the almighty French fry. I was coming back from an interview in Newark and I stopped by to see Chuck at work on my way home. I got a drink at Starbucks . . .and right across the street is Burger King. I imagined getting some French fries. Just a small, I reasoned. Nothing is off limits. I want to make that clear. And I don't believe a small order of French fries will kill me - or my weight loss efforts. But there's an addiction there. And I knew in my heart that it was too soon to test the waters of will power and moderation when it came down to the one thing I cannot resist. I will eat French fries some day. But not today.

Spent an hour on the elliptical. Not too bad today - thanks to the premier of Survivor. Today for breakfast I just grabbed a graham cracker. Lunch was a wrap with guacamole and vegan ham and cheese - also some carrots and strawberries. Dinner was leftover pasta. And I also indulged in a soy mocha frap. For a late snack I had some graham crackers with cookie butter. Total calories estimated at 1400. I'm not counting calories but I was curious to see how much I consumed including the mocha frap. Turns out my favorite sweet drink is only 200 calories. Thanks, soy.

Run for Freedom: Day 12

Tonight is a practice in moderation. Chuck made us hot dogs for dinner. In the past, we would split the package and eat 4 hot dogs a piece. Not so tonight. Tonight, I consciously made the choice to consume only 2 hot dogs. It was incredibly difficult, especially because I was thinking about food all day - and I wasn't quite satisfied with only two.

But I still have a snack left - apple and peanut butter. And possibly a graham cracker or two. I don't know if I haven't been eating enough or what, but lately I feel like I'm in a constant state of hunger. If I had to calculate calories today I'd say I had about 800-1000 calories so far. So maybe I can add a snack to my routine. Especially considering I'm burning about 400 calories on the elliptical.

That's all for today. Weigh-in is fast approaching.

Run for Freedom: Day 11

Another hour logged on the elliptical. That thing is getting as much of a workout as I am. I don't want to make it sound easy. It's not. For the first 30 minutes I'm thinking, "I'm only doing 30 today . . .I'm only doing 30 today . . ." It takes a lot to push through and keep going. I think I'm going to finish out this 21 days on the elliptical and then reevaluate how the weather is. I'm partially using the cold as an excuse not to run . . .but I'm dedicated to the 10 miler in October, so I will get back out there, as hard as it is.

I watched The Giver during my workout today. Amazing movie, now I have to read the book. I've been thinking of a book-yoga workshop. I love using stories as a way to theme an asana practice. So I'm just trying to find the perfect book to go along with a series of yoga classes. I have some ideas brewing.

Still waiting to hear back from ETS or the publishing company to see if I scored another part-time job. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Lunch today was a graham cracker with some cookie butter, strawberries, and a soy yogurt. Dinner is pasta. It's going to be tough eating just one bowl. I'm going to use the big bowls.

Run for Freedom: Day 10

Today is a rest day! No running, no elliptical. I had vowed to myself that I would get down to yoga, but fell asleep on the couch this afternoon. I kept setting the snooze button on my alarm until I was almost late. But . . .I made it! Rest day earned with a very beautiful class by the fabulous Jo.

What I noticed today in yoga was my feet. I watched how they flexed as I walked up to a forward fold. I watched how they stretched went I hinged into a pyramid. They were absolutely beautiful. Strong. Graceful. This is why yoga is important for me. It allows me to experience moments of appreciating - and even at times loving - my body.

I had a fabulous lunch of strawberries, carrots, and a wrap with vegan ham and cheese and guacamole. And for dinner I had leftover tacos. I'm debating what kind of snack I'm going to eat later. Apple or ice cream? It's Valentine's Day . . .ice cream?

Run for Freedom: Day 9

I met the elliptical challenge and stayed on for a full hour last night. It wasn't easy. I usually exercise in my bare feet, but by the end I was sliding to the front of the foot-steps and stubbing my toes. So I'm going to try to make it an hour again tonight, this time in sneakers.

I taught a beautiful yoga class this afternoon. I love a room filled with present souls. I need to learn how to stop apologizing for what I perceive as my shortcomings. Own it. Fuck it.

I'm excited for my next 21-day journey. After reading a book recommended by a friend - 10% Happier - I'm ready to seriously get into meditation. I halfheartedly set up an altar in my exercise room with a pillow to sit on. But I honestly sat once. I'm ready for life-altering experiences here.

Run for Freedom: Day 8

It's ridiculously cold. I took Maggie out for a walk this afternoon and had to bundle up in layers and scarves and hats and gloves. And still the wind seemed to find every inch of exposed skin. And it won't get better anytime soon. So I'm dedicating my life to the elliptical for the next few days, at least. Last night I got all the way up to 50 minutes. I'm planning on watching the season premier of Project Runway Allstars and trying to stay on there an hour tonight.

I spent the afternoon singing, proofreading, and planning my yoga class for tomorrow. Let's talk about proofreading. My friend Tom sent me a lead on a copyediting job with a publishing company. I emailed my resume and they sent me a sample manuscript to proofread. I love proofreading. My brain just sees inconsistencies and errors. It's in my blood. It's like meditating. I hope I get the job. I'll keep you posted.

My lunch was delicious today. Something about the combination of vegan turkey and cheese roll ups, strawberries, and pretzels just made sense. I'm looking forward to dinner. I'm doing vegan swiss cheese and pepperoni bites on crackers, carrots, and grapes. And I think tonight I'm indulging in a chocolate Tofutti ice cream cone. We'll see.

I feel mostly good. There are long stretches of time in the afternoons and evenings that are hard to fill. I get "hungry" . . .but I'm not hungry, I'm bored. There are plenty of things I could be doing, but the energy is not quite there. For example, I need to clean out the attic. It feels like a daunting task. It's cold up there and I have no where to put this stuff. So instead I watch TV and try to ward off hunger by taking naps. I hope one of these part time job prospects comes to fruition soon.

Run for Freedom: Day 7

Let's start with the weigh-in this week. Last week I weighed 262.4 and this week I weigh 259.8. That's a 2.6 pound weight loss for this week and a 12 pound weight loss overall. Yay! Good week. Pretzels and all.

Last night I stayed on the elliptical for 45 minutes in replace of running. It's still bitterly cold and I'm using that as my excuse to exercise indoors. I'm going to attempt another 45 minutes.

I'm sick of tacos. I can't believe I'm saying that. I'm turning to a new strategy for the next few weeks: lunch for dinner. I found a great blog that lays out 30 days of lunch recipes without repeating. I told Chuck I would make the same recipes for him, but he'd have to supplement if he was still hungry. I like cooking dinner for us, but it's really hard when he doesn't like what I'm eating - and the fact that he comes home so late.

Short post this week. Looking forward to next.

Run for Freedom: Day 6

I let the cold get the best of me today and stayed inside under the warm covers. I took Maggie on a short walk and I'll make up for my missing run by doing the elliptical for 30 minutes.

My demo lesson was mysteriously taken away from me. I'm assuming they called my old school and got a negative report. But that's my mind working overtime. It's for the best. I don't know what I'm thinking trying to go back to the place that was the scene of my mental breakdown. Part of me wants to change the past, or fix the past. Part of me feels like I have unfinished business. Part of me just desperately wants a job. Letting it go.

On a positive note, I got a job reading SAT essays. It's very similar to my old job reading prospective teacher essays. I don't know how many hours it will be yet, but hoping for the best. More hours is more money.

Looking forward to weigh-in day tomorrow. Hoping I didn't blow with those pretzels yesterday.

Run for Freedom: Day 5

I used the same method as yesterday - running for about a tenth of a mile and then walking for a tenth of a mile. I extended the length of time running/walking so I only had to run up and down the street 5 times to reach a mile. This has been the hardest it has ever been to get back into running. I wonder if it's mind over matter. Or I wonder if I'm just not finding my pace. I thought I found it a few times today, but lost it. The pace has to work so that you can still breathe while running. It's a pattern. But I find myself wheezing and focusing on how heavy my legs feel.

I snacked on pretzels all afternoon. Bread is the most addictive thing on the planet. I couldn't just eat one pretzel bite. I had to keep going back for more. I turned it into my lunch and snack combined. I should have kept track of how many I ate so I could try to calculate calories . . .but then again, I said I wasn't doing that. So I'm just going to enjoy Pretzel Day for what it is and continue on.

Run for Freedom: Day 4

I changed up my running strategy today. I was truly exhausted at the end of my runs and today, the thought of running the half mile around the neighborhood really created a mental block for me. It has a lot to do with the cold weather. And self-consciousness. So I decided to run up and down my street. I ran up the street and walked back down the street. I did this 10 or 11 times until I had gone a mile. So I still ran my half mile, but I did it in intervals. That seemed to work. It got me over my mental block, at least. And it's prepping me for going a full mile in the weeks to come.

I found myself driving to Newark this afternoon for an interview. I have no idea how it went, except that they invited me back for a demo lesson. That could mean anything. I'm excited to get the chance to do another demo, at least. I'm supposed to do a walk-through of the other job I interviewed for - at the Juvenile Detention Center, but I'm really not qualified for that position and I don't think I would do a good job. I'm considering cancelling the walk-through. Opinions on that are welcome.

I just ate some leftover taco filling from yesterday - and this time I put it in a taco shell instead of a collard green and the result was phenomenal. They tasted so much better without the bitterness of the collard green. I would change out the collard greens for romaine or Boston lettuce in the future.

Run for Freedom: Day 3

I taught a yoga class and took a yoga class today, so I took today off from running. The yoga class was challenging. It was slow with lots of holding and deepening into poses. Eva talked about putting our bodies into places of stress and using the breath to keep our logical minds instead of falling into survival mode. And that can translate to our lives. Sinking into places of stress. Embracing stress.

I love the community classes because you get a variety of teachers. And everyone teaches in their own way. Everyone brings something unique to the practice of yoga. Today's practice was without music - which terrifies me, both as a teacher and a student. It's like I'm afraid of silence. Afraid of my own breath. Afraid of allowing myself to be heard. I'll have to think on that some more.

Tonight's dinner involved opening a coconut. Luckily Chuck was around to do it for me. I also indulged in some chips and pretzels. It IS Superbowl Sunday after all.

Run for Freedom: Day 2

Today was almost as difficult as yesterday. Maybe just a pinch easier. Faster recovery. I ran the same route around the block and then grabbed Maggie for a cool down walk.

I decided not to bother with music. I thought using Pandora would be more of a distraction than an encouragement because the music cuts in and out. I needed total focus. All I could hear was the sound of breath wheezing in and out. Huffing and puffing. The entire time, all I could think was . . .I can't do this!

It seems so unlikely that I will ever get back to where I was. I find myself wondering if I ever ran at this weight before. I feel like the answer is no. And I almost want to use that as an excuse to stop. Wait until I'm 50 pounds lighter to start this.

Tomorrow I'm taking a day off to teach yoga - and actually take a class! So I'll use it as a recovery day and get back to running on Monday.

Food is going well - I'm starting a journey into the world of tacos. I found a cool book: The Taco Cleanse with over 75 varieties of taco. So I'm making four different recipes this week.

Run for Freedom: Day 1

Everything in me said, "No." It's been over a year since my feet have hit the pavement in my running shoes. I was afraid I couldn't sustain a pace. I was afraid of people watching me. I was afraid of being uncomfortable. But I did it anyway.

I will not lie. It was incredibly difficult. It was uncomfortable. The air burned my lungs and my nose was cold and runny. I had no concept of where I was along the route. All I could focus on was how I didn't know if I could finish.

I did finish - barely. I logged a little over half a mile. A far cry from the 10 I used to be able to run. My pace was slow. Barely above a walk. But I finished. And the only way to get better is to do it again tomorrow.

Life Without Ed: Day 21

We're here! Last day of this leg of the blog. I'm considering now what to do going forward. Blogging publicly really helps keep me accountable, so I think I'll start over with a different focus. I'm not sure yet what that focus will be.

We almost lost the dog in the woods this afternoon. Chuck and I went out for a hike on Jenny Jump Mountain and I let the dog get too far ahead. Thought she was a gonner, but turns out she headed back to the car. Crisis averted! Anyway, I'm skipping the elliptical after that arduous hike. I'm being a little sarcastic - there was steep climb in the beginning but then we leveled out on the ridge.

I'm considering starting to train for a long run soon. I'm thinking of skipping the Broad Street Run this year and giving myself enough time to train by doing October's 10 mile Jonas Cattell Memorial Run.

And finally. The weigh-in. Last week I weighed 264.2 and this week I weigh 262.4. That's a 1.8 pound weight loss for this week and a 9.4 pound weight loss overall.

Life Without Ed: Day 20

The trickle of the stream had turned into a torrent. Luckily, the rain had stopped. As we rounded the bend I stepped right into a giant puddle of water and mud filled my shoes. This search for a job often feels exactly like the squishing of my socks as Maggie and I turned and headed for home. It's frustrating. And leads so often turn into dead ends.

The obsessive checking of my email has replaced my obsessive munching on snacks. My fear is only that we will run out of money. I know eventually I will get an opportunity. But I hope the money doesn't run out first. And I don't want to take a job I know I'm not qualified for just to get a paycheck. So that being said, I'm going to an interview Wednesday for a job that I really have to think about deeply.

For dinner tonight I had a delicious vegan BLT with leftover curry. I also found a great new cookbook that I'm going to start working out of . . .but I'll say more about that another day. Tomorrow is weigh-in day!

Life Without Ed: Day 19

Today was a verifiable cheat day. I ate my typical breakfast, lunch, and snack - but then Chuck and I went out for sushi with Rachel and Rhodes. I ate an avocado roll, a sweet potato roll, miso soup, and picked off some other plates. Oh, can't forget the mango sorbet!

I'm not upset about the cheat day, but I'm more upset that I lost my mind at dinner. As if eating out was somehow a ticket to let the Ed take over. I still have to stay present to what I'm doing. When I got home, I mindlessly put two chocolates in my mouth. I wasn't hungry . . .just wanted to taste the chocolate.

Better days ahead.

Life Without Ed: Day 18

So it turns out that yes, in fact, I am completely unqualified to teach high school special ed. The interview went horribly. Every time I answered a question the director shook his head to indicate I was completely off base. He told me I should focus on elementary education. And when it rains, it pours. I opened the wrong exit door on my way out and set off the alarm. And then when I did find the right exit door, I tripped down the stairs. So humiliating!

I skipped lunch and slept if off this afternoon. Not by intention, but really by accident. I don't intend to skip meals. For dinner I made a ginger sesame tofu and snow pea stir-fry. It was OK. A little too spicy for my taste.

I'm wondering at this point if I should show up for my second interview with the juvenile detention center. There's no way I can pull off that job. But I have a big dollar sign in the back of my head prompting me forward.