April 14, 2016

I'm weighing in this week at 246.8, which is a .8 pound weight loss for the week and 25 pounds lost overall. This process is excruciatingly slow, but still moving forward nonetheless.

Part of me is thinking about a fast. Just a week long. To kick this thing into 2nd gear. Opinions on that are welcome.

I made it to Monday night yoga, but still managed to miss restorative! I'm planning to take a class tomorrow morning, although I haven't decided if I want to take Yoga Flow at The Breathing Room Center, Gentle Yoga at The Yoga Loft, or suck it up and show up to a level 2/3 class at Easton Yoga. I love the sound of Gentle Yoga, but Easton is the closest . . .and I do know how to modify. I'll decide in the morning.

So up for debate . . .to fast or not to fast? We're talking one week here.

April 7, 2016

I'm weighing in today at 247.6, which is a .6 pound weight loss for the week and 24.2 pounds lost over all.

I'm inching, crawling, barely moving my way forward. But moving forward nonetheless. To be honest, I'm surprised I lost anything at all considering how little I paid attention to what I was eating. And the fact that I only made it to 1 of the 3 yoga classes I planned for. But by the end of the week I was back on track, and stocking my lunch bag with lots of healthy goodies. I've got grapes, carrots, soy yogurt, a Kind bar, and a quinoa salad with vegan chicken. As long as I keep full and satisfied, I won't be tempted to binge. Sometimes more food, not less, is actually the answer.

Next week is Spring Break. My goal, once again, is 3 yoga classes. I'm planning for Sunday night Community Class, Monday night Kundalini, and Thursday night Restorative. I'll let you know how that goes next week.

March 31, 2016

I lost two pounds this week, weighing in at 248.2. That's 23.2 pounds overall.

I did manage to get back on the elliptical . . .once. My copy of "Women, Food, and God" appears to have gone missing. It may be in the garage. It's imperative that I reread it. I'm starting to mistrust my choices. Questioning every single thing I put in my mouth. I need to refocus.

I'm heading up to Vermont this weekend to visit my brother. I already have a yoga stop planned out. Gentle flow at Laughing River Yoga on Saturday morning. My goal is to get to 3 yoga classes between now and next blog post. Simple, right?

We'll see!

March 24, 2016

Today I weighed in at 250.2, which is a .4 pound weight loss for this week and 21.6 pounds overall. I'm relieved to see a loss at all because this week has been quite chaotic.

I was hired to work with my friend Kristin in an inclusion kindergarten for the rest of the school year. I'm so happy to have this opportunity. But it is difficult coming into a classroom that's already established and trying to find your voice. The new schedule has been a shock to my body. I've been hungry all the time. The elliptical, the meditation, the no eating after 8pm all went flying out the window.

Feeling hungry is scary because I want to feed my body and at the same time I fear that anything I put in my mouth will make me gain weight. I think now is a good time to reread Women, Food, and God to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally get back in the game.

Looking forward to a better week ahead. My goal is to get on the elliptical for at least 10 minutes a day. That's it. Just keep moving.

Meditation: Day 21

My little turtle is just marching along quite happily. This week I weighed in at 250.6 pounds which is a 2.6 pound weight loss for this week and 21.2 pounds overall.

This is the last day of my 21 day meditation series. The three most important things I learned were:
1. Meditation can be done anywhere, in any position.
2. There are no rules. You can move.
3. It's not what happens inside the meditation sitting that really blows you away, but everything that starts to change outside of it.

This blog has really helped keep me accountable. For the next 21 days, I'm going to blog once a week on weigh-in day and see how that goes. My plan is to continue with meditation, continue with the elliptical, continue with the weights, and add in restorative yoga.

See ya next week!

Meditation: Day 20

I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds" of meditation. I had an idea in my mind that I "should" sit perfectly still during meditation and not move a muscle. But I'm finding that it's OK to shift around. It doesn't ruin the experience. I say this in my yoga classes all the time, and now I'm learning to listen to myself. If something doesn't feel right - stop doing it!

I've really been enjoying this meditation experiment. I will definitely continue past the 21 days. I think it's become an essential part of my daily routine. It's important for me to slow down and just notice the breath. Especially at times when my mind is racing - like these past few days!

Tomorrow marks the final day of my 21 day meditation journey and I think I'm going to stop posting daily and move down to one post a week for the next 21 days.

Meditation: Day 19

I've spent the last few hours lesson planning for a kindergarten demo lesson I have to do tomorrow. The plan is to read Dragons Love Tacos and then make our own story tacos - but instead of filling out tacos with lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese, we are filling our tacos with the beginning, middle, and end of the story. I hope it goes well.

I realized today that good feelings and complements can often be just as hard or harder to accept than negative feelings. It's almost as if we are conditioned to believe the negative. To berate ourselves. To judge ourselves. And we can't fathom that maybe we have redeemable qualities . . .assets even. So my meditation practice today is all about breathing in the good and breathing out the bad.

This is the first time I've written before meditating. It's a late night. I'm going to go do my meditation in the shower. It might be one of my favorite places to meditate.

Meditation: Day 18

I curled up on the couch, resting one hand on the dog and the other between my thighs to keep warm on this chilly evening. I closed my eyes and meditated to the sound of ocean waves - and Maggie snoring.

I got the email on Friday afternoon. My heart sank. I thought this would be easier. Harlem is asking for a demo lesson. I immediately felt anxious at the thought of having to arrange to give a lesson in the 2nd grade classroom where I’m assisting. And I also felt anxious about having to drive to Harlem just for a demo lesson. Either way, I would have to do something uncomfortable. I suddenly felt incapable. Who am I kidding, thinking I could be a teacher again? And then the negative thoughts compounded and multiplied until I was drowning in them. Who am I to give a piano lesson? Who am I to teach a yoga class? Who am I to interact with children in any capacity? Who am I?

And it reminded me of the famous quote by Marianne Williamson that ends with the question - "Who are you NOT to be?" Step one is to breathe through the anxiety and step two is to challenge the negative thoughts. In reality, doing the 5th grade demo lesson on foreshadowing a few months ago was probably the most fun I've had all year. And therefore the most reasonable assumption would be that this demo lesson will be fun too. So . . .onward and upward.

Meditation: Day 17

New meditation location today!

I had an hour to kill before meeting Christine at Veggie Heaven so I decided to visit Chuck at work. He set me up with a mattress to meditate on and it was really quite nice.

Since getting sick, I haven't been doing much exercising. I did take the dog on a short walk yesterday and managed to get in 30 minutes on the elliptical the day before. But there's no way I'll be able to hang at yoga tonight. Not at a level 2/3. So I'm going to try to get back on the elliptical tonight after I take a short nap and cook dinner. Gotta keep moving!

Meditation: Day 16

It hurts to be vertical today so I've spent most of my day in various horizontal positions on the couch. I have a sore throat and sinus infection. But I still meditated!

As soon as I closed my eyes, I was inundated with thoughts of things I had to do - RIGHT NOW. I managed to breathe through it and continue to concentrate on chanting Sat Nam.

For dinner, I had to make something quick and easy so I made a stir fry on the stove with some vegan chicken. The rice and chicken and veggies were so warm and fulfilling. It was the perfect dinner to match how I was feeling. It was like a version of chicken soup for the soul.

For those of you who are looking for vegan versions of your favorite meats, check your frozen food section for Gardein. It's my absolute favorite - and even Target carries it.

Meditation: Day 15

I'm getting sick! I had to lay down for meditation today and it felt absolutely wonderful to be horizontal. I had a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I put my hands on my stomach and felt the breath moving in and out. It was nice. Time passed quickly.

When I first started this meditation practice, I expected revolutionary, revelatory things to happen in every sitting. But what I'm noticing is that it's life outside the 10 minutes that is changing. I find myself noticing things more. The smell of dinner cooking. The texture of the dog's fur. The pattern on the wooden floorboards. And that makes life more interesting and pleasurable.

Meditation: Day 14

Today is weigh-in day! I always look forward to this day. Well, sometimes I look forward to this day. Today I weighed 253.2 pounds which is a 2 pound weight loss for this week and 18.6 pounds lost total. Slowly, slowly, slowly . . .

The mindfulness is absolutely key to my slow and steady progress. I have to know what I've eaten today, how much I'm eating, and when I'm eating. I need to listen to my body - whether it's hungry or satisfied. When I'm keyed into my body, I'm telling you - the food part is easy. I've eaten French fries, I've eaten chips, I've eaten ice cream . . .I eat the things I love to eat but I think about it while I'm doing it. (And I don't eat those things every day.) It's such a different experience from 3 months ago when I sat on the couch and just numbed out while consuming an entire bag of Doritos. I don't measure calories exactly but I do keep a loose idea in my head about how much I'm eating. And the no snacking after 8pm (except on fruit) probably has a lot to do with the significant progress I've made in the last two weeks. And maybe it's no coincidence that I've been meditating these past two weeks, too.

This morning I set my alarm for the time I actually wanted to get up and it worked! I was able to get out of bed an hour early.

And in meditation news, today I meditated in the car while waiting for my therapy appointment. I did a Sat Nam meditation, which translates to Truth and Name . . .or Truth is my name . . .Here's some more information on the meditation if you're interested. Basically, I inhaled chanting the word "Sat" in my mind - breathing up from my toes through the crown of my head and I exhaled chanting the word "Nam" in my mind - breathing back down again. I loved it. I noticed the colors changing behind my eyelids as the sun ducked in and out of the clouds.

Meditation: Day 13

I got home late after visiting my parents in South Jersey, so I hopped on the elliptical and followed with a meditation-shower-in-one.

I focused on the feeling of water tapping against my knees, which were curled up into my chest. My mind wandered a lot tonight. I tried to focus on the colors behind my eyelids.

I've been exhausted in the mornings for a few months now, but I'm realizing in the last week how bad it really is. I have to shower at night because I literally roll out of bed 7 minutes before I have to be at work. Luckily, my commute is about a minute long - but I wish I could get up and take an hour to really rise and shine. Any tips out there on how to wake up refreshed in the morning? Every night I say to myself - TOMORROW is the day. I WILL wake up with an hour to get ready. But every morning, I hit the snooze. Ugh!

Here's an article on why hitting the snooze button is bad for you. Maybe this is my next challenge: getting up without hitting the snooze.

Meditation: Day 12

Who knew there were so many places to meditate?

After a long walk along the Delaware River, and with Indian shepherd's pie cooking in the oven, I laid down on the cool sheets of my bed and turned out the lights. The sound of the ocean waves filled the room. I did a body scan today, breathing my way up from the toes all the way to the space above the crown of the head. The time passed quickly this way.

I just read an article about restorative yoga. Supposedly it's a great way to lose weight. The theory is that it lowers cortisol, the stress hormone in your body, which in turn leads to significant fat loss. So I'm going to add restorative yoga to my routine. That means weekends are for vinyasa yoga, Thursdays are for restorative, and every other day is for elliptical or other cardio and weight training.

I also have an ulterior motive for getting back into restorative yoga. I need to build up my repertoire of resting postures for my upcoming workshop at Easton Yoga. The intention is to start each class in a restorative posture to listen to a few chapters of The Little Prince before getting into an asana practice. I'm excited!

Meditation: Day 11

Something new.

I sat in my car on 56th Street in Midtown, waiting for my appointment at 6:30pm. The perfect opportunity to meditate, I thought. I turned on my Calm app and set it to the ocean background. I closed my eyes, listened to the waves, and allowed my breath to connect with the soundtrack.

I could see the flashes of light from passing cars beneath my eyelids and hear the people walking by. I felt anxiety at being in the city and an itch on my neck. I continued to breathe. I hadn’t fed my meter yet. I worried that I might get a ticket for sitting there. I worried that people might be watching me.

But again, I continued to breathe. And the anxiety subsided. At times I felt like I was transcending the noise around me. I imagined sitting on the warm wooden floors in the yoga studio. And at times the anxiety crept in. Just like the sound of the waves from the tinny little speakers of my phone, and the movement of my breath in and out – the anxiety ebbed and flowed.

I’m thinking of doing a 3-day kitchari cleanse. This is an Ayurveda thing. Kitchari is a stew made mostly of mung beans, broth, and spices. The premise is that this stew helps cleanse and reset your system and the practitioners of Ayurveda (the Ayurvedics?) say that this should be done with every change in season. I ordered my mung beans and I’ll make the kitchari . . .but if it’s gross, I’m out.

Meditation: Day 10

Today was the March free class at Easton Yoga, so I got everything done in one shot - my workout, my strength training, and my meditation.

I found it a lot easier to meditate in a room full of other people who were also meditating. My mind wandered less, I felt more calm . . .and it helped that someone was guiding the breaths. I've found than I can track the breath and think about "nothing" from time to time, but it feels very similar to numbness. My goal is to do less numbing out and more tuning in. Figure out what's going on inside my body. What's underneath.

After savasana, as I started to push myself away from the floor, I noticed the shades of brown in the wood. The chaotic texture of swirls. And later, on my walk with Maggie, I saw a bluebird and noticed the warmth of sun on my skin. This is what I was hoping for. Noticing more. Being more present. This is what I wanted from the meditation experiment.

Meditation: Day 9

Due to a massive headache, meditation took place lying down today. I listened to rain on my Calm app and counted my breaths. The counting really centers me and allows my mind to become clear. I had only a few wandering thoughts.

I've been reading Kate Hudson's book, Pretty Happy. It's nothing revolutionary. It's exactly what you would expect a celebrity to tell you: get in tune with your body, eat clean, spend your days moving your body in ways you love, be mindful. I get it, and I'm partially invested. At this point, I just like reading different perspectives on how to love your body and become mindful.

I believe more in the Geneen Roth approach to eating, which is - eat what your body tells you it wants until it tells you it's done. As far as movement, Kate Hudson did remind me how important it is to love what you're doing, and she also put a bug in my brain about doing different types of movements, so I'm going to start looking into some dance videos to add to my elliptical and yoga routine.

Meditation: Day 8

I have a lot of energy today. I cleaned, cooked, and meditated. This time I meditated in a rocking chair. I didn't rock - I sat with my feet on the floor and my back resting against the chair. It was a good position, but it prompted Maggie to keep nudging me to see what I was doing.

I used a new app called "Calm" which plays different types of background music - I selected rain shower - and rings a bell when the session is complete. It also has some guided meditations but that's not what I'm focusing on right now. I tracked my breath by counting to three and focusing on a different part of my body each time. At the end of the session I felt light-headed. I think I got up and moved around too quickly.

I made a comfort food for dinner - vegan mac and cheeseburger bake. It's all about moderation. Tracking the body's reaction to food the way you would track the breath during meditation. Keep coming back to the sensation in the stomach. And when hunger is no longer there, stop.

Meditation: Day 7

Well tonight is a surprise at 255.2 pounds which is a whopping 3.4 pound weight loss for this week. I think last week's read was a fluke and it's probably more like a pound and a half each week. But I'm not complaining! (Unless this week is a fluke and I go up next week . . .) This brings my total loss to 16.6.

I've been told by others that they are starting to notice, but these are people who know what I'm doing so I believe their perspective is probably biased. I've read that it starts to really become noticeable when you've lost 10-15% of your starting weight. So at about 27-30 pounds I predict I'll start seeing results.

I meditated in the shower tonight, listening to the sounds of the water drops sprinkling down onto the floor of the tub. As usual, my mind wandered. I just kept trying to come back. I felt like I was enveloped by a blanket of warm water. It was actually really nice. But after some time, it felt like I had been sitting there a while and I worried that I hadn't started my timer correctly. Turns out I had, and I cut my meditation short by a minute.

I need a new system - like gongs or something to tell me when time is up, because the alarm is just too jarring.

In other life news, I have an interview next Thursday for a maternity leave position. I'm hoping I get it because rejection is just becoming way too familiar.

Meditation: Day 6

Today, I decided to lay down to meditate. I've never tried that. I think it's frowned upon in meditation circles. But I don't really care. I snuggled underneath the warm blanket and started to track my breath.

I tried hard to refocus every time my mind wandered. I felt a pain, like the beginning of a headache, at the place that's referred to as the third eye. That space between and slightly above your eyebrows. I didn't know what that was about . . .probably a result of trying too hard to meditate. Trying too hard to make meaning of sensations in the body rather than just being present.

In the world of diet and fitness, I've been breaking my elliptical into 10 minute segments and doing it three times a day. I also bought 3-pound weights which I've been pumping during commercial breaks while I'm watching TV. Food is going well. Since making the fruit rule, I haven't been snacking after 8pm.

I am a perfectionist. It hurts to make mistakes. My fear of making mistakes often prevents me from even trying. I downloaded a coloring book app on my phone, but I find - just like coloring in real life - I have a hard time even opening the app because the fear of "doing it wrong" is overwhelming. I think that makes it even more important for me to get into coloring.

Stay tuned for weigh-in day tomorrow!

Meditation: Day 5

I took my usual place on the couch, cross legged, back against the wooden frame, hands on the thighs- palms facing up. I closed my eyes and came into my Ujjayi breath. This time I practiced with the mouth open and it helped me prevent clenching my jaw.

I felt satisfied - I had just eaten. I felt comfortable. There was minimal anxiety about having to be anywhere else. My mind wandered a bit, but I kept coming back to the breath.

I don't know that I came away with anything mind-blowing. Nothing life-altering. I didn't notice much of anything. I heard the furnace starting and stopping. I felt the cold air on my left toe. I noticed that I keep going back to moments in yoga classes where I wish I had said something else, or didn't say anything at all. Time to let that go.

I'm trying to clean out my closet. It's also time to let go of things I no longer wear. But part of me wants to hold on . . .just in case. What's the rule? If you haven't worn it in 6 months . . .Let go, let go, let go!

Meditation: Day 4

I officially blew my second chance at being an ETS SAT rater. Moving on . . .

My hands were cold, so I sat on them on the couch with a blanket over my lap. I closed my eyes and let the meditation begin. My mind wandered a lot . . .What if I don't remember someone's name in class tonight? What's for dinner? Should I take a different full-time job to make money for the rest of the school year or stick it out where I am? Lots of unknowns and what-ifs. I realized I was clenching my jaw. I released it and turned my attention inward. I noticed an anxious sensation in my stomach. The sensation that I should be doing something else. I should be moving. I should be accomplishing something. But I continued to breathe.

I'm realizing that the later it gets, the more likely I am to snack on junk. So my promise to myself is that I am allowed to eat however much fruit I want after 8pm - but nothing else. I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Meditation: Day 3

After church this morning, I was feeling hungry. I could turn right, and go home. Or I could turn left, and get some French fries. This time, the French fries won. 500 calories spent on hot, salty, fried potatoes. I don't regret it. I modified what I ate the rest of the day so I still stayed within 1400-1600 calories.

After taking the dog on a beautiful walk in this warm, spring weather, I took an afternoon nap. I felt so comfy on the couch that when it was time to get up and go to yoga, everything in me said . . .more sleep! But I forced myself up and made it to the yoga studio. And thank goodness I did. Jesse had a great class with moon salutes, which I really enjoyed. I sweat a lot and felt like I worked my body.

I used savasana as my meditation time. I felt a hollowness in my stomach. It felt like vulnerability.

Meditation: Day 2

I spent 6 hours reading SAT essays, only to ultimately fail my certification test. (Don't worry, I get a second chance.) But by the time I was done, I realized I had a list of things to do and not a lot of time to do them. Chuck had arrived home, so I decided to meditate in the shower.

I sat down on floor of the tub, hot water streaming down my face. I had to rearrange a few times before finding a good meditation posture. Ultimately I sat with the sole of one foot on the surface of the tub and the other extended long. Hands in my lap. The water was distracting. My foot slipping against the floor was distracting. All the thoughts running through my head were distracting. But finally I settled in.

I felt an aching sensation in my ribcage. It felt like wanting. I want to have passed the certification test. I want to have found a full-time teaching gig. But I also felt a sense of peace. This time was mine. 10 minutes when nothing else mattered. I guess that's living. Being present to what is happening and finding the peace in it.

Meditation: Day 1

I sat cross-legged on the couch, backs of the palms resting on the thighs. I set the alarm for 10 minutes and closed my eyes. I found myself naturally turning to my Ujjayi Breath. It gave me something to track. Something to pay attention to. Something to come back to when my mind wandered.

I heard the patter of dog's feet on wooden floors. I felt the cold air on the back of the neck. I felt the pull of cotton against skin. But the sensation that I felt more than any other was a pervasive sense of fear. I realized I have a fear of being alive. Watching TV is not living. Snacking on food is not living. Sleeping is not living. And I turn to these activities to fill my life because when I'm faced with the reality of actually being alive, I feel fear.

I wanted to open my eyes several times within the 10 minute time span to see how many minutes I had remaining. I left them closed. I jumped when the timer finally went off.

Run for Freedom: Day 21

My weight tonight is 258.6. That's about another .5 pounds lost this week and 13.2 pounds lost overall. I'm used to dramatic weight loss. I do things like run 5-10 miles a day, or drink nothing but juice. And the weight comes off in whole pounds at a time. This is slow, but steady. And as my therapist keeps telling me - half a pound a week is normal.

So goals for the next week . . .

1. Run a lap up and down the street before getting on the elliptical.
2. 40 minutes on the elliptical, to be broken into two 20 minute segments if desired.
3. 10 minutes of meditation, to be done at any time.
4. Refocus on food intake.

I am planning to meditate for the next 21 days and see how that changes my perspective.

Run for Freedom: Day 20

It's 7:21pm and I've consumed about 1500 calories. I'm going to watch Survivor and get on the elliptical at 8pm. And then I plan to eat another snack of graham crackers . . .or an apple with peanut butter. I haven't decided yet.

Tomorrow is the last day in this 21 day series. I feel like I'm losing focus a little and I'm hoping that the next series will get me back on track. I took yesterday off from the elliptical. I think the one thing I have to do is always get on - even if for only 15 minutes.

Tomorrow is the weigh in. I'm dreading this one. I have a feeling I'm not going to like what I see. But anything could happen. If the scale doesn't change, I'll know I can trust my body because I'll know I can tell when I'm getting off track. If the scale goes down, I'll know I can trust my body because I'll know the signals of hunger I was getting were real. So no matter what, tomorrow will confirm that: yes, I can trust my body.

Run for Freedom: Day 19

Binging a bit tonight. Consciously. It's cold. And there's something incredibly comforting about curling up on the couch under a blanket with something to eat. I've eaten some soy mac and cheese and I'm going to get some graham crackers in a bit.

I'm currently reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth. Her other book, Women, Food, and God is life-altering.

It's all about mindfulness. Feeling when you're hungry, feeling when you're full. Understanding why you want to eat - and then eating with your full attention if that's what you decide to do.

Run for Freedom: Day 18

In some ways, I know my body. I know I can push it to run for miles, hike for days, elliptical for hours. I know that it feels better to use blocks in a downward dog. I know eagle arms are not currently within the realm of possibility. Physically, I know my body. So why can't I trust it to know when it's hungry and when it's had enough? I'm terrified that the extra serving of vegan stuffed shells I ate last night will come back to haunt me on Thursday when I weigh in. I'm terrified that one too many Triscuits will cause the scale to go up.

I will tell the truth. Before starting the 21 day project, I was eating almost an entire bag of Spicy Chili Doritos a day. I would have a 6-inch veggie sub or two pretzels and peanut chews on my way home from work. And at some point it was very likely that I would order one, if not two, large fries from Burger King or Wendy's. And then when Chuck would get home I would eat again. And most likely, I would continue to snack late into the evening. My exercise consisted of begrudgingly walking the dog around the block.

I haven't eaten a French fry in over a month. Or a sub. Or a soft pretzel. I'm conscious of what I'm eating when I'm eating it. And also aware of how that fits into the overall intake for the day. But I'm afraid my tendency to be a food-Nazi is counterproductive. I'm setting myself up for a binge by being so stingy. And possibly screwing with my metabolism.

Awareness is the answer. Mindfulness. That's why this upcoming meditation practice is so important. I have to start trusting what I feel.

Run for Freedom: Day 17

Triscuits. I left the church, stomach grumbling, knowing exactly what I wanted. Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits. I entered Target on a mission. I made a beeline for the cracker aisle. And there they were. I was terrified to make the purchase. I had an overwhelming desire to eat the Triscuits and I was not going to deny myself the pleasure. But I was terrified I would eat with abandon. Would I eat the entire box?

I did not eat the entire box. I ate a single serving. (Now, I am not perfect . . .and I did munch on some while I was making dinner as well.) But I did not eat the entire box. I'm considering keeping a journal of everything I'm eating. I wonder if I'm eating more than I think I am. Do I need to weigh and measure everything? I feel like I should be losing more weight. It's funny that I just wrote that sentence, because last night I literally wrote a yoga class in which I encourage students to let go of what they think they should look like, and just let their bodies guide them. So let my body guide me. I was hungry, I knew what I wanted, and I ate them. And then I was not hungry anymore.

Today I ate:
2 vegan turkey and cheese roll ups
12 Triscuits
1 vegan stuffed shell
1 bowl of apple-walnut-quinoa salad
(And still to come: 2 graham crackers with cookie butter)

Look at that Maryellen. It's not too much. It can't be. It's not too much.

Run for Freedom: Day 16

It was a beautiful, warm, reminiscent-of-spring day. I spent a lot of time driving today, which I love to do in warm weather. When I finally arrived home, I debated whether or not to put my running shoes on. Ultimately, I didn't do it. There's something about running on the street that scares me. After the rough start I had a couple of weeks ago, it seems like an impossible task to run the way I used to. I'm terrified of not being able to do it. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen. I did it. I already proved I could do it. The same happens before I get on the elliptical machine. I believe I can't go a full hour. But I succeed every time.

This fear of failure is deeper than running or getting on the elliptical. It follows me everywhere. Can I really teach? Should I bother applying for this job? Can I really lose weight? I'm defeated before I even begin. I'm looking forward to my meditation experiment - which starts in about a week. I'm hoping that it centers me and helps me let some of this baggage go. More book suggestions are welcome! Life-changing books, anyone?

Run for Freedom: Day 15

I engaged in a small binge last night. I ate the soy mac and cheese, some graham crackers with cookie butter, and some chips and salsa. It doesn't sound like a lot - but the soy mac and cheese is 500 calories alone. It happened because of the disappointment I felt with only losing .6 pounds . . .and I think, not spacing out my food enough. I need to leave enough to eat at night when I'm most likely to binge. It's 10pm now, I'll be on the elliptical for an hour, and then I'll want to sit down and relax with something to eat. Luckily I have an apple left to eat tonight.

I'm happy to announce that my yoga workshop proposal was accepted. I'll be doing a Bhakti series based on The Little Prince. We'll start class in restorative postures and center by listening to a few chapters of the book, followed by a short asana practice based on what we read, and close with a kirtan chant that's linked to a lesson from the story. I'm really excited about it.

Another week is off and rolling. I'm debating whether to put my running shoes on this weekend. It IS supposed to be nice. Maybe just a short run up and down the street, followed by the elliptical.

Run for Freedom: Day 14

I stepped onto the machine, feeling the cold rubber underneath my feet and in my hands. I closed my eyes and started to move, hearing the voice of Alanis in my ears. I increased my resistance to 2 and completed my hour. It never feels great. Will it ever feel great?

I'm disappointed with my weight loss this week. Only a little over half a pound. I have to keep repeating to myself . . .celebrate every loss . . .celebrate every loss . . .

I've lost a total of 12.6 pounds now. I want it to go faster. And I'm hungry and cranky this evening. I'm splurging on soy mac and cheese.

Run for Freedom: Day 13

Today, I almost fell to my arch nemesis - the almighty French fry. I was coming back from an interview in Newark and I stopped by to see Chuck at work on my way home. I got a drink at Starbucks . . .and right across the street is Burger King. I imagined getting some French fries. Just a small, I reasoned. Nothing is off limits. I want to make that clear. And I don't believe a small order of French fries will kill me - or my weight loss efforts. But there's an addiction there. And I knew in my heart that it was too soon to test the waters of will power and moderation when it came down to the one thing I cannot resist. I will eat French fries some day. But not today.

Spent an hour on the elliptical. Not too bad today - thanks to the premier of Survivor. Today for breakfast I just grabbed a graham cracker. Lunch was a wrap with guacamole and vegan ham and cheese - also some carrots and strawberries. Dinner was leftover pasta. And I also indulged in a soy mocha frap. For a late snack I had some graham crackers with cookie butter. Total calories estimated at 1400. I'm not counting calories but I was curious to see how much I consumed including the mocha frap. Turns out my favorite sweet drink is only 200 calories. Thanks, soy.

Run for Freedom: Day 12

Tonight is a practice in moderation. Chuck made us hot dogs for dinner. In the past, we would split the package and eat 4 hot dogs a piece. Not so tonight. Tonight, I consciously made the choice to consume only 2 hot dogs. It was incredibly difficult, especially because I was thinking about food all day - and I wasn't quite satisfied with only two.

But I still have a snack left - apple and peanut butter. And possibly a graham cracker or two. I don't know if I haven't been eating enough or what, but lately I feel like I'm in a constant state of hunger. If I had to calculate calories today I'd say I had about 800-1000 calories so far. So maybe I can add a snack to my routine. Especially considering I'm burning about 400 calories on the elliptical.

That's all for today. Weigh-in is fast approaching.

Run for Freedom: Day 11

Another hour logged on the elliptical. That thing is getting as much of a workout as I am. I don't want to make it sound easy. It's not. For the first 30 minutes I'm thinking, "I'm only doing 30 today . . .I'm only doing 30 today . . ." It takes a lot to push through and keep going. I think I'm going to finish out this 21 days on the elliptical and then reevaluate how the weather is. I'm partially using the cold as an excuse not to run . . .but I'm dedicated to the 10 miler in October, so I will get back out there, as hard as it is.

I watched The Giver during my workout today. Amazing movie, now I have to read the book. I've been thinking of a book-yoga workshop. I love using stories as a way to theme an asana practice. So I'm just trying to find the perfect book to go along with a series of yoga classes. I have some ideas brewing.

Still waiting to hear back from ETS or the publishing company to see if I scored another part-time job. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Lunch today was a graham cracker with some cookie butter, strawberries, and a soy yogurt. Dinner is pasta. It's going to be tough eating just one bowl. I'm going to use the big bowls.

Run for Freedom: Day 10

Today is a rest day! No running, no elliptical. I had vowed to myself that I would get down to yoga, but fell asleep on the couch this afternoon. I kept setting the snooze button on my alarm until I was almost late. But . . .I made it! Rest day earned with a very beautiful class by the fabulous Jo.

What I noticed today in yoga was my feet. I watched how they flexed as I walked up to a forward fold. I watched how they stretched went I hinged into a pyramid. They were absolutely beautiful. Strong. Graceful. This is why yoga is important for me. It allows me to experience moments of appreciating - and even at times loving - my body.

I had a fabulous lunch of strawberries, carrots, and a wrap with vegan ham and cheese and guacamole. And for dinner I had leftover tacos. I'm debating what kind of snack I'm going to eat later. Apple or ice cream? It's Valentine's Day . . .ice cream?

Run for Freedom: Day 9

I met the elliptical challenge and stayed on for a full hour last night. It wasn't easy. I usually exercise in my bare feet, but by the end I was sliding to the front of the foot-steps and stubbing my toes. So I'm going to try to make it an hour again tonight, this time in sneakers.

I taught a beautiful yoga class this afternoon. I love a room filled with present souls. I need to learn how to stop apologizing for what I perceive as my shortcomings. Own it. Fuck it.

I'm excited for my next 21-day journey. After reading a book recommended by a friend - 10% Happier - I'm ready to seriously get into meditation. I halfheartedly set up an altar in my exercise room with a pillow to sit on. But I honestly sat once. I'm ready for life-altering experiences here.

Run for Freedom: Day 8

It's ridiculously cold. I took Maggie out for a walk this afternoon and had to bundle up in layers and scarves and hats and gloves. And still the wind seemed to find every inch of exposed skin. And it won't get better anytime soon. So I'm dedicating my life to the elliptical for the next few days, at least. Last night I got all the way up to 50 minutes. I'm planning on watching the season premier of Project Runway Allstars and trying to stay on there an hour tonight.

I spent the afternoon singing, proofreading, and planning my yoga class for tomorrow. Let's talk about proofreading. My friend Tom sent me a lead on a copyediting job with a publishing company. I emailed my resume and they sent me a sample manuscript to proofread. I love proofreading. My brain just sees inconsistencies and errors. It's in my blood. It's like meditating. I hope I get the job. I'll keep you posted.

My lunch was delicious today. Something about the combination of vegan turkey and cheese roll ups, strawberries, and pretzels just made sense. I'm looking forward to dinner. I'm doing vegan swiss cheese and pepperoni bites on crackers, carrots, and grapes. And I think tonight I'm indulging in a chocolate Tofutti ice cream cone. We'll see.

I feel mostly good. There are long stretches of time in the afternoons and evenings that are hard to fill. I get "hungry" . . .but I'm not hungry, I'm bored. There are plenty of things I could be doing, but the energy is not quite there. For example, I need to clean out the attic. It feels like a daunting task. It's cold up there and I have no where to put this stuff. So instead I watch TV and try to ward off hunger by taking naps. I hope one of these part time job prospects comes to fruition soon.

Run for Freedom: Day 7

Let's start with the weigh-in this week. Last week I weighed 262.4 and this week I weigh 259.8. That's a 2.6 pound weight loss for this week and a 12 pound weight loss overall. Yay! Good week. Pretzels and all.

Last night I stayed on the elliptical for 45 minutes in replace of running. It's still bitterly cold and I'm using that as my excuse to exercise indoors. I'm going to attempt another 45 minutes.

I'm sick of tacos. I can't believe I'm saying that. I'm turning to a new strategy for the next few weeks: lunch for dinner. I found a great blog that lays out 30 days of lunch recipes without repeating. I told Chuck I would make the same recipes for him, but he'd have to supplement if he was still hungry. I like cooking dinner for us, but it's really hard when he doesn't like what I'm eating - and the fact that he comes home so late.

Short post this week. Looking forward to next.