Taking the Stairs

So my scale has been MIA for at least two weeks, thanks to Chuck. The point of this experiment is to learn to trust my body. In Geneen Roth's book, Women, Food, and God, she talks about compulsive eaters feeling like broken people. And how can a fundamentally broken person be trusted to make decisions? They can't. So I have a hard time trusting that I can stop eating when I'm full, that I can make the choice not to eat french fries, that I can make the choice to run. That my body can be trusted - even now, three months later. So by not relying on the numbers flashing across the scale, I am forced to really trust my body.

And this is what I have noticed. Last week, I was walking around the MSU campus when I noticed that I didn't feel winded at all. MSU is a very hilly place, so lack of heavy breathing while moving between buildings is something worthy to note. I also took four flights of stairs to my car in the parking garage, and felt strong - with normal breathing intact. I've been running the 5k loop three times a week with relatively little discomfort. Also, I get the urge to move more. I get an itch to walk, or desperate to get into the yoga studio.

In vegan kitchen news, this week's highlight was definitely the Mediterranean Veggie Tacos - so, so yummy! Just eggplant, red peppers, onions, and diced tomatoes in a taco with hummus, vegan sour cream, and vegan shredded cheese. I've been eating the leftovers all weekend. For Memorial Day, I'm planning a little picnic feast with potato salad - but I couldn't find any vegan mayo in the local supermarket. I'm proud to say that I ended up just making my own. I can't believe I actually have all the ingredients just sitting around in my kitchen to make vegan mayo. This is my life now. Here's this week's food overview - if you see anything you like, let me know and I'll send over the recipe:

My Vegan Kitchen: Week 4

It has been one month since the end of the juice fast. The yoga detox has come to an end. Next goal: 5k in Newark on June 3rd. I've been running 2 miles three times a week for two weeks and tomorrow I'll bump up to 3.2 miles - just over 5k. I'll run that three times a week until the race and then I'll rotate - continuing to build speed and distance. My long term goal is the Broad Street 10-miler in Philadelphia next year.

Going to yoga four times a week has been transformative. I've never felt so much in my life. Gratitude, love, irritation, peace, anger, sadness. Every emotion magnified. Currently barely keeping my head above water in the last month of this 18-month grad school program.

I'm planning to do a short 10-day juice fast in July. If anyone is interested in joining me, I might try to make it a group effort. I'll provide recipes, a daily morning walk/meditation for anyone in my area, and hopefully a space for group support - maybe a Facebook group. I think it would be fun to do this with other people.

Here's a short video of all the amazing food I ate this week - best meal was definitely the sweet pea soup, hands down:

Our Bodies Don't Lie

I just finished an amazing book by Geneen Roth: Women Food and God. I'm realizing some of the ways I used food to feed empty places, to hide, to fill, to punish. And now, how I'm trying to use food to heal, to nourish, to honor, to love. It's like a veil has been lifted. Although, I'm still struggling with food paranoia. If I eat this pretzel stick, will I become a hunger-crazed lunatic ordering french fries off every fast food menu in the state of New Jersey? Will this teaspoon of peanut butter cause my weight to skyrocket back up to 260 pounds overnight? Am I really hungry? I mean, I know my stomach is growling . . .but am I REALLY hungry? And the scale doesn't help. When I get on the scale and it reflects back to me that I still weigh 216.6 pounds - I get angry. And anger is a pre-juice fast state of being. I start to think those old, hateful thoughts . . .do more, do more, do more - you fat waste of space!

So then I have to take a deep breath. And get off the scale. And keep going. Because I'm good. Now. At 216.6 pounds. So I'll eat what a good person gets to eat. Fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds - and sometimes a teaspoon of peanut butter. And because my weight is irrelevant in my post-juice fast world, I am emancipating myself from the scale. Chuck has hidden it from me. And that's the end of the story. So now, if I need to know how I'm doing - I'm going to have to ask my own body.

Here's my weekly video update with some clips from Geneen Roth's book and - of course - pictures of food! I don't know what's up with my recording devices. My audio and video aren't syncing. It's very sad. But no way I'm starting over - so just close your eyes if it bothers you and enjoy!

You "Think" You Are What You Eat

It has now been two weeks since the end of my 60-day juice fast and I feel great. I weighed in for the first time since ending the fast and I lost another 2 pounds, which brings my total lost to 42 pounds in 2 and a half months.

Not to be misleading, I still have moments of hunger, craving, paranoia around food, feelings of failure, feelings of self-doubt - basically, a natural human experience. I think about food 90% of my day. I'm thinking food, eating food, cooking food, buying food, writing about food, talking about food, taking pictures of food. But for the first time, I'm doing these things from a place of love instead of hate.

Before the fast, I was living in a place of "I'm not good enough." I need to be thinner, more outgoing, smarter, more talented . . .So I need to do more, push harder, be better. Living became an internally angry experience. Every diet was born of disgust, punishment, and a need to change my body and mind - because I wasn't worthy the way I was.

During the fast, I didn't feel these moments of spiritual enlightenment that other people boasted they felt. I didn't feel changed. But as I started to eat food again, I began to realize that a transformation had, in fact, taken place. I realized that my entire experience of food had shifted. When I eat now, I eat for love. I want to put food into my body that nourishes and heals. I don't want fast food, processed food, dairy - because those foods don't heal, they hurt. This is the first time in 29 years of life that I have experienced food this way.

I was feeding my body what I felt I was worth. I didn't have time for myself. I didn't care about me, so I didn't care what I put into my body. So I ate fast food, frozen food, canned food, processed food, dairy. Food was like a punishment. Something to shut down my mind. To keep it from demanding respect. But now, food is a gift. I'm worth asparagus fresh from the local farm. I'm worth the steaming pot of broccoli on the stove. I'm worth the raw cashews, the raw almonds, the fresh strawberries, bananas, and grapes. I'm worth the 45 minutes it might take to create a delicious meal that I could never get from the drive-through window.

And you are, too.

I did a video update for this week with pictures of all the food I made and another before and after picture. The audio is not great - it's the first time I used my computer to film. But enjoy anyway!