March 31, 2016

I lost two pounds this week, weighing in at 248.2. That's 23.2 pounds overall.

I did manage to get back on the elliptical . . .once. My copy of "Women, Food, and God" appears to have gone missing. It may be in the garage. It's imperative that I reread it. I'm starting to mistrust my choices. Questioning every single thing I put in my mouth. I need to refocus.

I'm heading up to Vermont this weekend to visit my brother. I already have a yoga stop planned out. Gentle flow at Laughing River Yoga on Saturday morning. My goal is to get to 3 yoga classes between now and next blog post. Simple, right?

We'll see!

March 24, 2016

Today I weighed in at 250.2, which is a .4 pound weight loss for this week and 21.6 pounds overall. I'm relieved to see a loss at all because this week has been quite chaotic.

I was hired to work with my friend Kristin in an inclusion kindergarten for the rest of the school year. I'm so happy to have this opportunity. But it is difficult coming into a classroom that's already established and trying to find your voice. The new schedule has been a shock to my body. I've been hungry all the time. The elliptical, the meditation, the no eating after 8pm all went flying out the window.

Feeling hungry is scary because I want to feed my body and at the same time I fear that anything I put in my mouth will make me gain weight. I think now is a good time to reread Women, Food, and God to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally get back in the game.

Looking forward to a better week ahead. My goal is to get on the elliptical for at least 10 minutes a day. That's it. Just keep moving.

Meditation: Day 21

My little turtle is just marching along quite happily. This week I weighed in at 250.6 pounds which is a 2.6 pound weight loss for this week and 21.2 pounds overall.

This is the last day of my 21 day meditation series. The three most important things I learned were:
1. Meditation can be done anywhere, in any position.
2. There are no rules. You can move.
3. It's not what happens inside the meditation sitting that really blows you away, but everything that starts to change outside of it.

This blog has really helped keep me accountable. For the next 21 days, I'm going to blog once a week on weigh-in day and see how that goes. My plan is to continue with meditation, continue with the elliptical, continue with the weights, and add in restorative yoga.

See ya next week!

Meditation: Day 20

I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds" of meditation. I had an idea in my mind that I "should" sit perfectly still during meditation and not move a muscle. But I'm finding that it's OK to shift around. It doesn't ruin the experience. I say this in my yoga classes all the time, and now I'm learning to listen to myself. If something doesn't feel right - stop doing it!

I've really been enjoying this meditation experiment. I will definitely continue past the 21 days. I think it's become an essential part of my daily routine. It's important for me to slow down and just notice the breath. Especially at times when my mind is racing - like these past few days!

Tomorrow marks the final day of my 21 day meditation journey and I think I'm going to stop posting daily and move down to one post a week for the next 21 days.

Meditation: Day 19

I've spent the last few hours lesson planning for a kindergarten demo lesson I have to do tomorrow. The plan is to read Dragons Love Tacos and then make our own story tacos - but instead of filling out tacos with lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese, we are filling our tacos with the beginning, middle, and end of the story. I hope it goes well.

I realized today that good feelings and complements can often be just as hard or harder to accept than negative feelings. It's almost as if we are conditioned to believe the negative. To berate ourselves. To judge ourselves. And we can't fathom that maybe we have redeemable qualities . . .assets even. So my meditation practice today is all about breathing in the good and breathing out the bad.

This is the first time I've written before meditating. It's a late night. I'm going to go do my meditation in the shower. It might be one of my favorite places to meditate.

Meditation: Day 18

I curled up on the couch, resting one hand on the dog and the other between my thighs to keep warm on this chilly evening. I closed my eyes and meditated to the sound of ocean waves - and Maggie snoring.

I got the email on Friday afternoon. My heart sank. I thought this would be easier. Harlem is asking for a demo lesson. I immediately felt anxious at the thought of having to arrange to give a lesson in the 2nd grade classroom where I’m assisting. And I also felt anxious about having to drive to Harlem just for a demo lesson. Either way, I would have to do something uncomfortable. I suddenly felt incapable. Who am I kidding, thinking I could be a teacher again? And then the negative thoughts compounded and multiplied until I was drowning in them. Who am I to give a piano lesson? Who am I to teach a yoga class? Who am I to interact with children in any capacity? Who am I?

And it reminded me of the famous quote by Marianne Williamson that ends with the question - "Who are you NOT to be?" Step one is to breathe through the anxiety and step two is to challenge the negative thoughts. In reality, doing the 5th grade demo lesson on foreshadowing a few months ago was probably the most fun I've had all year. And therefore the most reasonable assumption would be that this demo lesson will be fun too. So . . .onward and upward.

Meditation: Day 17

New meditation location today!

I had an hour to kill before meeting Christine at Veggie Heaven so I decided to visit Chuck at work. He set me up with a mattress to meditate on and it was really quite nice.

Since getting sick, I haven't been doing much exercising. I did take the dog on a short walk yesterday and managed to get in 30 minutes on the elliptical the day before. But there's no way I'll be able to hang at yoga tonight. Not at a level 2/3. So I'm going to try to get back on the elliptical tonight after I take a short nap and cook dinner. Gotta keep moving!

Meditation: Day 16

It hurts to be vertical today so I've spent most of my day in various horizontal positions on the couch. I have a sore throat and sinus infection. But I still meditated!

As soon as I closed my eyes, I was inundated with thoughts of things I had to do - RIGHT NOW. I managed to breathe through it and continue to concentrate on chanting Sat Nam.

For dinner, I had to make something quick and easy so I made a stir fry on the stove with some vegan chicken. The rice and chicken and veggies were so warm and fulfilling. It was the perfect dinner to match how I was feeling. It was like a version of chicken soup for the soul.

For those of you who are looking for vegan versions of your favorite meats, check your frozen food section for Gardein. It's my absolute favorite - and even Target carries it.

Meditation: Day 15

I'm getting sick! I had to lay down for meditation today and it felt absolutely wonderful to be horizontal. I had a hard time keeping my eyes closed. I put my hands on my stomach and felt the breath moving in and out. It was nice. Time passed quickly.

When I first started this meditation practice, I expected revolutionary, revelatory things to happen in every sitting. But what I'm noticing is that it's life outside the 10 minutes that is changing. I find myself noticing things more. The smell of dinner cooking. The texture of the dog's fur. The pattern on the wooden floorboards. And that makes life more interesting and pleasurable.

Meditation: Day 14

Today is weigh-in day! I always look forward to this day. Well, sometimes I look forward to this day. Today I weighed 253.2 pounds which is a 2 pound weight loss for this week and 18.6 pounds lost total. Slowly, slowly, slowly . . .

The mindfulness is absolutely key to my slow and steady progress. I have to know what I've eaten today, how much I'm eating, and when I'm eating. I need to listen to my body - whether it's hungry or satisfied. When I'm keyed into my body, I'm telling you - the food part is easy. I've eaten French fries, I've eaten chips, I've eaten ice cream . . .I eat the things I love to eat but I think about it while I'm doing it. (And I don't eat those things every day.) It's such a different experience from 3 months ago when I sat on the couch and just numbed out while consuming an entire bag of Doritos. I don't measure calories exactly but I do keep a loose idea in my head about how much I'm eating. And the no snacking after 8pm (except on fruit) probably has a lot to do with the significant progress I've made in the last two weeks. And maybe it's no coincidence that I've been meditating these past two weeks, too.

This morning I set my alarm for the time I actually wanted to get up and it worked! I was able to get out of bed an hour early.

And in meditation news, today I meditated in the car while waiting for my therapy appointment. I did a Sat Nam meditation, which translates to Truth and Name . . .or Truth is my name . . .Here's some more information on the meditation if you're interested. Basically, I inhaled chanting the word "Sat" in my mind - breathing up from my toes through the crown of my head and I exhaled chanting the word "Nam" in my mind - breathing back down again. I loved it. I noticed the colors changing behind my eyelids as the sun ducked in and out of the clouds.

Meditation: Day 13

I got home late after visiting my parents in South Jersey, so I hopped on the elliptical and followed with a meditation-shower-in-one.

I focused on the feeling of water tapping against my knees, which were curled up into my chest. My mind wandered a lot tonight. I tried to focus on the colors behind my eyelids.

I've been exhausted in the mornings for a few months now, but I'm realizing in the last week how bad it really is. I have to shower at night because I literally roll out of bed 7 minutes before I have to be at work. Luckily, my commute is about a minute long - but I wish I could get up and take an hour to really rise and shine. Any tips out there on how to wake up refreshed in the morning? Every night I say to myself - TOMORROW is the day. I WILL wake up with an hour to get ready. But every morning, I hit the snooze. Ugh!

Here's an article on why hitting the snooze button is bad for you. Maybe this is my next challenge: getting up without hitting the snooze.

Meditation: Day 12

Who knew there were so many places to meditate?

After a long walk along the Delaware River, and with Indian shepherd's pie cooking in the oven, I laid down on the cool sheets of my bed and turned out the lights. The sound of the ocean waves filled the room. I did a body scan today, breathing my way up from the toes all the way to the space above the crown of the head. The time passed quickly this way.

I just read an article about restorative yoga. Supposedly it's a great way to lose weight. The theory is that it lowers cortisol, the stress hormone in your body, which in turn leads to significant fat loss. So I'm going to add restorative yoga to my routine. That means weekends are for vinyasa yoga, Thursdays are for restorative, and every other day is for elliptical or other cardio and weight training.

I also have an ulterior motive for getting back into restorative yoga. I need to build up my repertoire of resting postures for my upcoming workshop at Easton Yoga. The intention is to start each class in a restorative posture to listen to a few chapters of The Little Prince before getting into an asana practice. I'm excited!

Meditation: Day 11

Something new.

I sat in my car on 56th Street in Midtown, waiting for my appointment at 6:30pm. The perfect opportunity to meditate, I thought. I turned on my Calm app and set it to the ocean background. I closed my eyes, listened to the waves, and allowed my breath to connect with the soundtrack.

I could see the flashes of light from passing cars beneath my eyelids and hear the people walking by. I felt anxiety at being in the city and an itch on my neck. I continued to breathe. I hadn’t fed my meter yet. I worried that I might get a ticket for sitting there. I worried that people might be watching me.

But again, I continued to breathe. And the anxiety subsided. At times I felt like I was transcending the noise around me. I imagined sitting on the warm wooden floors in the yoga studio. And at times the anxiety crept in. Just like the sound of the waves from the tinny little speakers of my phone, and the movement of my breath in and out – the anxiety ebbed and flowed.

I’m thinking of doing a 3-day kitchari cleanse. This is an Ayurveda thing. Kitchari is a stew made mostly of mung beans, broth, and spices. The premise is that this stew helps cleanse and reset your system and the practitioners of Ayurveda (the Ayurvedics?) say that this should be done with every change in season. I ordered my mung beans and I’ll make the kitchari . . .but if it’s gross, I’m out.

Meditation: Day 10

Today was the March free class at Easton Yoga, so I got everything done in one shot - my workout, my strength training, and my meditation.

I found it a lot easier to meditate in a room full of other people who were also meditating. My mind wandered less, I felt more calm . . .and it helped that someone was guiding the breaths. I've found than I can track the breath and think about "nothing" from time to time, but it feels very similar to numbness. My goal is to do less numbing out and more tuning in. Figure out what's going on inside my body. What's underneath.

After savasana, as I started to push myself away from the floor, I noticed the shades of brown in the wood. The chaotic texture of swirls. And later, on my walk with Maggie, I saw a bluebird and noticed the warmth of sun on my skin. This is what I was hoping for. Noticing more. Being more present. This is what I wanted from the meditation experiment.

Meditation: Day 9

Due to a massive headache, meditation took place lying down today. I listened to rain on my Calm app and counted my breaths. The counting really centers me and allows my mind to become clear. I had only a few wandering thoughts.

I've been reading Kate Hudson's book, Pretty Happy. It's nothing revolutionary. It's exactly what you would expect a celebrity to tell you: get in tune with your body, eat clean, spend your days moving your body in ways you love, be mindful. I get it, and I'm partially invested. At this point, I just like reading different perspectives on how to love your body and become mindful.

I believe more in the Geneen Roth approach to eating, which is - eat what your body tells you it wants until it tells you it's done. As far as movement, Kate Hudson did remind me how important it is to love what you're doing, and she also put a bug in my brain about doing different types of movements, so I'm going to start looking into some dance videos to add to my elliptical and yoga routine.

Meditation: Day 8

I have a lot of energy today. I cleaned, cooked, and meditated. This time I meditated in a rocking chair. I didn't rock - I sat with my feet on the floor and my back resting against the chair. It was a good position, but it prompted Maggie to keep nudging me to see what I was doing.

I used a new app called "Calm" which plays different types of background music - I selected rain shower - and rings a bell when the session is complete. It also has some guided meditations but that's not what I'm focusing on right now. I tracked my breath by counting to three and focusing on a different part of my body each time. At the end of the session I felt light-headed. I think I got up and moved around too quickly.

I made a comfort food for dinner - vegan mac and cheeseburger bake. It's all about moderation. Tracking the body's reaction to food the way you would track the breath during meditation. Keep coming back to the sensation in the stomach. And when hunger is no longer there, stop.

Meditation: Day 7

Well tonight is a surprise at 255.2 pounds which is a whopping 3.4 pound weight loss for this week. I think last week's read was a fluke and it's probably more like a pound and a half each week. But I'm not complaining! (Unless this week is a fluke and I go up next week . . .) This brings my total loss to 16.6.

I've been told by others that they are starting to notice, but these are people who know what I'm doing so I believe their perspective is probably biased. I've read that it starts to really become noticeable when you've lost 10-15% of your starting weight. So at about 27-30 pounds I predict I'll start seeing results.

I meditated in the shower tonight, listening to the sounds of the water drops sprinkling down onto the floor of the tub. As usual, my mind wandered. I just kept trying to come back. I felt like I was enveloped by a blanket of warm water. It was actually really nice. But after some time, it felt like I had been sitting there a while and I worried that I hadn't started my timer correctly. Turns out I had, and I cut my meditation short by a minute.

I need a new system - like gongs or something to tell me when time is up, because the alarm is just too jarring.

In other life news, I have an interview next Thursday for a maternity leave position. I'm hoping I get it because rejection is just becoming way too familiar.

Meditation: Day 6

Today, I decided to lay down to meditate. I've never tried that. I think it's frowned upon in meditation circles. But I don't really care. I snuggled underneath the warm blanket and started to track my breath.

I tried hard to refocus every time my mind wandered. I felt a pain, like the beginning of a headache, at the place that's referred to as the third eye. That space between and slightly above your eyebrows. I didn't know what that was about . . .probably a result of trying too hard to meditate. Trying too hard to make meaning of sensations in the body rather than just being present.

In the world of diet and fitness, I've been breaking my elliptical into 10 minute segments and doing it three times a day. I also bought 3-pound weights which I've been pumping during commercial breaks while I'm watching TV. Food is going well. Since making the fruit rule, I haven't been snacking after 8pm.

I am a perfectionist. It hurts to make mistakes. My fear of making mistakes often prevents me from even trying. I downloaded a coloring book app on my phone, but I find - just like coloring in real life - I have a hard time even opening the app because the fear of "doing it wrong" is overwhelming. I think that makes it even more important for me to get into coloring.

Stay tuned for weigh-in day tomorrow!

Meditation: Day 5

I took my usual place on the couch, cross legged, back against the wooden frame, hands on the thighs- palms facing up. I closed my eyes and came into my Ujjayi breath. This time I practiced with the mouth open and it helped me prevent clenching my jaw.

I felt satisfied - I had just eaten. I felt comfortable. There was minimal anxiety about having to be anywhere else. My mind wandered a bit, but I kept coming back to the breath.

I don't know that I came away with anything mind-blowing. Nothing life-altering. I didn't notice much of anything. I heard the furnace starting and stopping. I felt the cold air on my left toe. I noticed that I keep going back to moments in yoga classes where I wish I had said something else, or didn't say anything at all. Time to let that go.

I'm trying to clean out my closet. It's also time to let go of things I no longer wear. But part of me wants to hold on . . .just in case. What's the rule? If you haven't worn it in 6 months . . .Let go, let go, let go!