It was a beautiful, warm, reminiscent-of-spring day. I spent a lot of time driving today, which I love to do in warm weather. When I finally arrived home, I debated whether or not to put my running shoes on. Ultimately, I didn't do it. There's something about running on the street that scares me. After the rough start I had a couple of weeks ago, it seems like an impossible task to run the way I used to. I'm terrified of not being able to do it. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen. I did it. I already proved I could do it. The same happens before I get on the elliptical machine. I believe I can't go a full hour. But I succeed every time.
This fear of failure is deeper than running or getting on the elliptical. It follows me everywhere. Can I really teach? Should I bother applying for this job? Can I really lose weight? I'm defeated before I even begin. I'm looking forward to my meditation experiment - which starts in about a week. I'm hoping that it centers me and helps me let some of this baggage go. More book suggestions are welcome! Life-changing books, anyone?
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