So here we go.
One cold afternoon in November of 2014, I was on a long break in the middle of a stressful day at work in Newark. I was a teacher. And I hated my life. I hated the job. Hated the school. Hated the kids. I put on my winter coat and curled up on the floor of the bathroom in my classroom and went to sleep. I knew in that moment that I would never return to Newark. It was heartbreaking. I felt like I was disappointing so many people. And I was disappointed in myself.
The year that followed has been equally as stressful. I had dreams of changing careers and suddenly finding this missing piece of my life. I imagined finding the elusive thing that could fill the void I felt. I continued to escape by sleeping. And eating. I lost and gained 100 pounds over the course of two years. Aside from my weight, nothing changed. I still felt empty. I still felt lost.
I've been soul-searching and self-helping for a lifetime. But recently, I read a book called Life Without Ed that has changed my perspective on what's been going on with me. I have an eating disorder. I compulsively overeat. When I feel too much of anything - sadness, anxiety, depression, joy, love . . .I eat. I eat to numb the negative emotions it hurts to feel and the positive emotions I believe I don't deserve to feel.
I'm coming to realize that the eating disorder is the thing that has been holding me captive. It makes me feel unworthy. Makes me feel like less than I am. I am a teacher. But the eating disorder told me I couldn't be good enough to be a teacher. I am a musician. But the eating disorder tells me I have no talent. I am a member of several different communities - a yoga community, a church community, a work community - but the eating disorder says my body renders me unworthy of being present to relationships.
I've wasted a lifetime listening to the eating disorder. Not teaching, not pushing myself to try new things, not making friendships, not being interactive in the world. And now, at 271.8 pounds - 11.8 pounds heavier than I was the day I decided to fast for 60 days, it's time to stop listening to that parasite that's been living inside of me since I started gaining weight at 6 years old.
It's time to start living.
271.8 pounds:
as always, will look forward to you sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage and your many fine qualities. I always thought, here's someone who has it all together. And you definitely do! As always, i wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteA remarkably open piece of writing, and admirable for that. I would take a chance here and suggest that while it may seem that the eating disorder is holding you captive, there must be something driving that disorder-- and from my experience, that something is a worm twisting within us all. It just propels each of us in a different direction. I feel it, too, and it seems your many responding friends do as well. So-- you are far, far from being alone, Maryellen.
ReplyDeleteA remarkably open piece of writing, and admirable for that. I would take a chance here and suggest that while it may seem that the eating disorder is holding you captive, there must be something driving that disorder-- and from my experience, that something is a worm twisting within us all. It just propels each of us in a different direction. I feel it, too, and it seems your many responding friends do as well. So-- you are far, far from being alone, Maryellen.
ReplyDeleteYou could have fooled me! You are a damn good yoga teacher, from my experience taking your class. And as I said in my toast on your wedding day, I have always admired your drive and thirst to challenge yourself (I think the only thing I said about my brother is that he did a tremendous amount of torturing when I was little!). Keep up the hard work and the honesty, and let's eat healthfully together soon!
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