Day 39

I believe that people are born with certain personality traits that just feel more natural and authentic. I have always been a more reserved, introverted, reflective, introspective kind of person. I don't like big places. I don't like crowds. And I spent many, many years fighting that natural inclination to be more alone. To be more quiet. Why can't I be comfortable in groups? Why can't I make friends quickly? Why can't I be more x, y, or z?

But maybe the real question is why is it not OK to feel those things? Maybe these are things that don't have to be changed. All people cannot be all things. I am an inherently more quiet human being. And that's just the way it is. I finally feel like I'm making peace with me. I absolutely believe in personal growth and change - but maybe before we can really grow and change - we have to accept and respect ourselves for being the best we can be in this moment. Until we own ourselves, wanting to change comes from a place of "I'm not good enough." That kind of change is not loving or meaningful - and maybe that's why it's not lasting, either. When we are good and loved and lovable the way we are - then maybe we just begin to change naturally. Because we know what we want and what makes us happy. And we deserve it.

All that to say, my natural inclination was to decline Happy Hour with my cohort this afternoon. But a willingness to feel whatever came up for me naturally in order to be with a group of people that makes me happy allowed me to make a different decision. I am so grateful for my UTR family!