Day 13

I could feel myself getting angry . . .I was trying to help this customer fifteen minutes after we had closed and the computer was freezing. I had finished half of his request when the program just stopped working. I tried rebooting the computer, but to no avail. I let him know if he called ahead, we could have the request waiting for him the next day - and that's when his tone of voice changed. I had a non-stop line from 3:15 to after we closed. Every customer had multiple follow-up questions and I knew I had at least another half hour of work to finish, which would mean another teller would have to stay way after close. I felt very under pressure and when he started to demand things I couldn't give - I snapped. I became abrupt and tense. He became belligerent. I refused to help him. That's when the f-bomb dropped. Both f-bombs . . .multiple times. "You lazy, fat f-ing bitch." Again and again and again.

I shouldn't have gotten angry. I should have stayed calm. I wish I could take that moment back. I wish I could do it over. "I'll be closing your accounts . . .have a GREAT day," I yelled after him as I locked the door behind him. "You touch my accounts and I'll sue you - you fat bitch . . .you look like . . ." But I didn't hear the rest. I was walking away. Then I melted. I sat in the bathroom, hypervenilating . . .trying to catch my breath. I hated that I couldn't remain calm, I hated that I got angry and responded to his insults, and I hated that I let the other tellers see me upset.

It just felt like that was all I was worth. It doesn't matter how genuine I try to be, how much I want to help, what I like or don't like. What I believe. Who I love. It doesn't matter who I am. In that moment, that's what I was - a fat bitch. And that's all I ever was and ever will be. It was really personal to me. His opinion was the only opinion. And his opinion was the truth.

It just happened about an hour ago . . .so I'm still trying to get his voice out of my head. I thought a little monologue would help. This day isn't over, and I'm still on a Cleanse. I'm going to take my walk and eat my stuffed pepper and continue to do my best.